The Mistake
by Zosie
Summary: Edward goes to a bar to meet his new hook up for the night. Bella goes to the same bar to meet her very personal donor.They mistake each other for their real dates.Can they build a relationship from a single,mistaken night or not? Lemons and Tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning...Rated M for a reason.... Lemons galore...stop reading now if that offends you.**

The Mistake

Chapter one

Edward's POV

I rushed into my apartment and stripped off, throwing my clothes into the into the shower for the quickest wash ever. Bloody traffic, I am supposed to meet Mike in 10 minutes and the club is a fifteen minute drive. I hurry out, drying my hair roughly with a towel and open my dresser drawers and grab a nice vintage T and a pair of blackwash skinny jeans and clean boxers.

I am dressed in minutes and just run my fingers through my still damp hair. It has its usual chaotic look so I grab my keys and phone and rush downstairs and lock up then head for my car.

Big date tonight. Mike and I work together at the local hospital and for some reason none of us can fathom, Mike gets all the women. Tonight he has fixed me up with 'a sure thing' and God, do I need it. Mike only chooses women whose records he can access, he checks their health, their contraception methods, that they are regularly tested. A night with one of Mike's 'friends' means a carefree night of fun and games and no chance of any consequences, shall we say.

Working the hours we do, there is rarely time to socialize and we have to grab what we can, when we can. I have plenty of fuck buddies but not a lot of time to visit them during working hours lately, and I like a change. A fresh face, someone not from my working environment.. some of those are always looking at me ,expecting the next fuck, watching like a hawk which other nurses had been with me when and how in the work place..not a good 's hook ups provide a quick and easy piece of ass and no return visits. There's little time for pleasantries, a quick drink or three and hopefully back to her place so she won't know where I live nor work. I haven't had the pleasure of a womans body in two weeks and I am certainly in the mood tonight. I wonder sometimes if it is worth it, this career choice. No time for anything but work, no free weekends, whenever I am not working I am sleeping the sleep of the exhausted.

My parents demand I visit once every two weeks for dinner, my friends Emmett and Jasper meet up with me once a week, whatever night I have free. Not a lot of opportunity to meet new women myself, for a quick hook up. And when I do meet them, often I waste the night because they are 'not that type of girl" who fucks on a first date so I wasted my time. I don't do second dates unless the conclusion of the first date is really satisfactory, no chat just fucking and the woman involved is just after what I am. No sleepovers, no texts and phone calls, no expectations.

At most, I feed them, fuck them and forget them.

Its even more basic with my fuck buddies. No feeding them, just fucking them. But they do get regular sign of clingyness and we are done. Is that even a word? Its a state of mind I do not buy into, that's for certain. No mention of the L word, the M word. The 'lets settle down and buy a house' conversation will never happen. No woman is tying herself to me then ripping half of what I own off me in a divorce. Women are nice to kiss, fun to fondle, and an ends to a means. That is it. All I ever want and all I ever will.

I have five more months to go until my residency is finished and I can start a real life but that life will not include a relationship, its not just a lack of time that keeps me from dating.

My parents sigh and stress over me and my attitude. They really should have produced more than one child if they wanted to have grandchildren. They will never be getting any from me. I think they have worked that out for themselves by now. My mother used to invite single woman to our bi weekly dinners until she realized I was just putting the word on them when I drove them home and either dropping them at their door or spending an hour or two in their bed, depending on how much I had managed to charm them that night. When some of the more keen women kept contacting her, begging for my phone number or a repeat dinner invite, she gave up. I was never going to do the honorable thing and she needed to accept that.

Women want me, I want women. Its pretty simple and basic.

I rush inside the club and walk to the bar. Too late, Jake the bar keeper tells me, Mike has left, with a woman on each arm. Damn.

"Don't despair, Cullen, he left one for you. She is over there in the red dress." he waves vaguely towards the booths at the back and I look over, immediately spying a red hot girl in a tiny tight red dress. Thank you Michael, you are a gentleman. Okay, probably not. But I am grateful.

I approach the booth and the girl looks up at me, hopefully. Big doe eyes look into mine.

"Hello there." I smile my panty dropper smile and slip into the booth opposite her.

"Hello,James?" she asks.

Yes, James will do, trust Mike to give me a boring name. Just once, I couldn't be Zane or Trey , something trendy? Bad enough my own name is Edward.

"Yes, and you are..."

Damn Mike, not sending me the usual text with her name.

"Bella, Bella Swan." she replies.

"Can I buy you a drink?" I ask with a smirk. Of course I can , something double.

I am in a hurry tonight.

"I guess so, I suppose that will make things a little more relaxed." she replies.

Oh you will be relaxed by the time we leave. I can promise you that.

I get her a double vodka with Coke and a beer for myself. I prefer to be sober and in control. I prefer the women to be semi drunk and out of control. Enough to forget to say 'no' anyway.

Bella, Bella Swan accepts the drink and its gone in a minute.

Yes, I like a girl who plays along with my plan.

I wave the waitress over and order more drinks.

Bella looks at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Are you sure its okay to drink this much beforehand?" she asks.

"Of course, no problem at all." I assure her and hand her the new drink which she drinks almost as fast.

The waitress rolls her eyes at me and asks "Another round?"

"Just another drink for the lady, same again" I confirm and sip my beer.

"I am sorry, I don't usually drink but I am pretty nervous, I haven't done this before."

Whoa.

Hasn't done what before?

Allowed Mike to hook her up or had sex?

I really need the answer to that question.

"What do you mean, you haven't done this before?"

"I mean, obviously I have slept with my husband, I just have never...you know, with another man."

Okay, not my problem.

Bella sips her third drink and relaxes visibly so I don't have to expend much effort amusing her.

She is a very attractive woman and I am surprised at her attitude.

"I hope to God this works" she says as she starts to loosen up and slur.

Right, time we left. I don't like drunken women, just relaxed women.

"Shall we go, Bella?" I ask.

She blushes furiously and I help her on with her coat and walk her to my car.

"Where to?" I ask.

"I have borrowed a friends place, is that alright?" she asks.

"Sure." What do I care?

She gives me directions and we drive for a few minutes then she leaves the car when we arrive.

She walks quickly and a little unsteadily to the front door and unlocks it, so I follow her in.

She surprises me, she is standing there stripping off her clothes as she walks towards the bedroom.

I shrug and follow her. No point wasting time, no messing with the pointless pre sexual jabbering.

I walk in behind her and strip my own clothes off, laying them neatly on a chair beside the bed.

She is sitting naked, a sheet pulled up over her body. I have seen enough. She is beautiful, slim, shapely, nice rounded hips and ass, gorgeous to die for legs, and perfect breasts.

I pull back the sheet on the other side of the bed and slip in. She smiles shyly and reaches over to turn out the bedside light.

I reach for her and start to massage her body as I kiss her lips.

"I didn't know we had to kiss, is this what you normally do?" she asks.

"Ah, yes, I do usually kiss but I suppose its not really a requirement" I answer, puzzled.

I nuzzle her neck instead, not quite sure how to make my next move. I usually slip in during a passionate kiss that leaves them breathless and unable to resist my advances.

She shivers and I look at her eyes in the dim light, reflected from the moon outside.

"Is something wrong?" I ask her.

"No, of course not. I guess I hadn't really thought about how personal this would be." she replies.

Its not personal, its just a transaction I silently explain. I buy you drinks, you fuck me, transaction complete.

I start to rub her along the side of her torso, relaxing her with long, smooth strokes.

She wriggles down flatter on the bed, off the pillow and I move my hands to her breasts and start to massage them, gently at first, then more roughly as she responds and her breathing hitches.

"I really do appreciate you doing this, James. Are you sure you don't want any payment?"

What? Does she think I am a prostitute? No, a prostitute would negotiate a fee and demand payment before the deed.

"Ah, no, its fine. Its my pleasure" I answer.

Enough talking. I move a hand down south and start stroking her slit. She is wet and ready for me already. I open her folds and start circling her clit. She responds to my every stroke, bucking into my hand. I watch her, her eyes are shut but she is relaxing and going with it, so I decide to give her an extra treat seeing she doesn't sleep around, keeps herself for her husband normally. I wonder briefly why she is here with me . I guess the husband can't get it up often enough or maybe he just can't satisfy her. I guess everyone has their limit, the point where they have to seek good sex, even if just for one night,and I move down her body, placing my mouth over her clit, and sucking it inside, licking it gently. She moans out loud and hisses.

"Yes, God,yes."

I continue to lick and suck and she writhes, out of control so I steady her with my hands on her hips and really go for it, nipping gently, licking hard and strong strokes, then soft and featherlike so she feels a different sensation each few seconds and there she goes, coming undone on my mouth. I lick her juices, she is truly delicious. I can feel the heat coming off her face, she is blushing madly.

"I didn't expect you to do that, I thought it would be...clinical." she says.

No, Edward Cullen is never clinical.

"Are you ready for me now?"I ask and she nods in the dark and opens her legs for me, wider.

I line myself up and enter just my tip, and wait to see how she reacts. She sighs and pushes her body up closer, forcing me inside a little more.

I wait a second then push in again, further. I wait for her to adjust to my size again and then push right in. She raises her legs and wraps them around my back.

"It probably should be in as deep as possible" she says.

"Mmm, I guess so" I murmur.

My entire erection is buried deep inside her so I start to rock, and withdraw almost out then plunge back in.

She seems keen, she rocks with me and pushes her body back as I plunge in, deep and hard.

Her breath is becoming shaky and louder, and she whispers in my ear.

"Its better if I come, right?"

"Much better" I whisper back, sliding my hands behind her back and pulling her into a sitting position, her legs straddling mine.

We are locked together, sliding against each others bodies, the fireworks are ignited and she starts to tighten on my cock. Yes, Bella, I urge her on.

She is amazing. Her warmth and her scent, her softness, her breasts push into my chest as I push into her deeper each thrust. She starts to shake a little and closes her eyes.

"No, keep them open, I want to see you come" I whisper.

She looks surprised but keeps them open and I watch her reach her orgasm, breathing loudly and mewing like a kitten.

"God yes, yes, yes."

Yes, indeed.

I release inside her, and she grasps on to me, holding my back tightly so I can't withdraw.

"Just lets stay like this for a few minutes" she begs so I ride out the aftershocks by rocking gently.

"Do we just do it once or is twice better?"

"Oh twice is better,Bella" I assure her.

"Some books say you get in deeper, closer, if you enter from the back" she says.

I am amazed, she is a woman who knows what she wants and has no problem speaking up.

Maybe her husband is older, impotent?

She certainly knows what she likes and by happy coincidence, its just what I like.

I gently untangle our bodies and she excuses herself to go to the bathroom, then returns and shyly gets onto her hands and knees.

I move up behind her and place my hands on her firm rounded ass. I enter inside her soft, warm wetness again. God, she feels so good. I am lost inside for a moment, just enjoying her tightness and beauty. I almost want to talk to her, find out why she is doing this. But I don't, I do not wish to get involved with her, or anyone.

God she feels good. Without thinking, I bend and kiss her back, she smells of strawberries and roses and freesias?

I start to pump into her slowly, enjoying the friction, loving her responsiveness. Her body is like a musical instrument and I play her like an expert musician.

I slide in and out, my body does not want this to end. I take it slower, then faster, judging what she likes, she seems to enjoy it all, every touch.

"Can you come like this or do you need my hand as well?" I ask.

"I am just wanting this to go on forever" she sighs back.

Its a pleasant thought. I could do this forever.

We continue to just bask in the sensations for a while longer, then she starts to tighten and I know she is ready to come so I lower my first two fingers and rub them each side of her clit in a V formation.

Slowly, feather light touches, she moans and rocks and starts to scream for more.

"Please, please, I have to come, I have to..."

She bucks against my hand and I rub a little harder, longer strokes, teasing her into a frenzy of want and need. I want her to come, I relish the thought of her body so in tune with mine, so I start to increase my pace and suddenly without warning, I feel myself release in long hard spurts inside her, so I stroke her clit harder and she follows me, tightening around me, keeping me locked inside her.

I am sweaty and breathing hard and my heart races.

This is, without a doubt, the best sex I have ever had. I don't know if I can leave her.

Her body seems made for mine.

"If we need to, if I need you again next month, will you come back?" she asks.

Why wait a month? I want her again, in the morning, tomorrow night, every night.

"Sure, I would like that. Are you sure you are done with me tonight? We could sleep for a while, and do this again before morning" I suggest hopefully.

She is silent, weighing my words.

Say Yes, my body cries.

"Okay, James, I guess we should. It probably would be smart."

I lay with her enclosed in my arms, spooning her soft body, breathing her in.

She feels small and soft and delicate and I feel oddly protective of her.

I gently kiss her hair, the top of her head.

She wriggles a little in my embrace and settles comfortably against me and I fall asleep, her warmth like a drug to me.

I want to hold her, kiss her, make love to her again.

We sleep.

**Please review. Updates every ten reviews. Just saying. **


	2. Chapter 2

The Mistake

Chapter 2

Morning Glory

BELLA'S POV

My God, I did not expect this. I had thought it would be much less involved, more clinical, just a roll in the hay with no words and certainly no feelings.

I do not date, I never trust men, my heart has been broken often enough.

When I decided to have a baby, I figured it would just be a matter of stopping my birth control, giving my body a month or two to get back to its natural cycle, then taking home some frozen sperm from a sperm bank and self inseminating.

No such luck.

I tried for nine months.

I kind of expected to be in a maternity ward by now, or attending mother and baby groups.

Then my best friend Rose suggested I try the real thing, pick up some random in a bar. But that sounded too chancy. I have no desire to be a home wrecker, and I am not being some guys quick fuck.

Players are not my style. I have done 'deep and meaningful' but here I am, 26 and still alone. Still no man who wants a commitment, a family. And my career is just where I want it to be and I am ready for the next step. I want a baby, a child of my own.

Alice is a doctor and works at the local hospital so she suggested I try fresh sperm, plenty of pre meds sell their sperm to women like me, it seems. So, for the last three cycles I have fronted up at the hospital and had freshly donated sperm artificially inseminated into my womb and still nothing.

I have read every book, joined online groups. The best chance of conception seems to be real sex. With a real donor. I asked Alice to approach whichever donor has the best success rate and she comes up with a tall, well built pre med student named James. He has caused six conceptions in the last year, that seems right, enough to assure me he is very fertile, not so many that I have to move to Alaska to make sure my child doesn't marry a sibling.

Alice approached him for me and he confessed to her, this has happened before. Some women just need it ultra fresh and deposited 'on site', not via a syringe.

So, she arranges and time and date and this is the result.

I had not expected him to kiss me, I was a little blown away by that. And the oral. I am sure that's not part of the necessary procedure but nobody had ever done that to me before so there was no chance I was stopping him. It was as amazing as Rose always told me. Her graphic descriptions had made me long for a little of that action myself.

I invented a husband to ensure nobody got any ideas. I just want your sperm, I do not need any kind of relationship, thank you.

I am surprised he didn't want payment. Maybe he does the 'live' inseminations for free in exchange for a night of action. Fair enough. Who am I to judge.

He had allowed Alice to see his records, he is clean and has no family history of any genetic diseases or

handicaps. All six babies are alive and perfect. He is tested weekly, he has a full physical every six months. This is why I didn't want a 'random', an unknown quantity. I want the best chance possible of a healthy child.

I wasn't sure what to say when he offered to stay overnight and repeat the 'procedure' in the morning.

He is still asleep, his soft sweet breath fluttering against my cheek.

I wriggle out of his arms and replace my body with a pillow when he instinctively tries to grab me back. He sighs and nuzzles my pillow and I sneak to the guest bathroom and have a shower and clean my teeth. No nasty morning breath is reducing my chances of another round.

I walk quietly back in and remove the pillow and settle back into his arms again. He sighs and rolls me in tighter. I can feel his morning wood, and take a peek. My God, it did feel larger than what I have experienced before but wow. I guess only having ever allowed one other penis inside me, I don't have much to compare but either my ex is on the small side or James is very amply blessed. I wonder if his sons will be as endowed as he is. Seems reason enough to be adding his genes to the population.

He is extraordinarily attractive. Alice had described his looks as "Better than okay, not movie star quality, but nice enough."

I know she compares every man to her fiancé, Jasper Whitlock and he is gorgeous. I guess no other man will ever look as good to Alice.

But this man in my bed is beautiful.

His hair is wild and messy and coppery. His skin is as pale as my own, so no tanned babies then. His eyes are gorgeous, I gazed into them enough in the bar last night. I wish there was a way to make sure the baby had all his genes. My own looks are, as Alice would say 'nice enough' but I am no beauty, not like this man.

My child will be very grateful to me if it takes after him in looks.

He stirs and I turn to face him.

"Bella?" he murmurs, half asleep.

"James" I reply.

"Wha...?"

Articulate. Not a morning person?

"You offered to stay and , um, repeat the ,ah, procedure this morning." I remind him.

His eyes snap open. Emerald green.

He lets me go and walks towards the adjoined bathroom.

"Be right back."

I hear the shower go on and the toilet flush and I call out there's spare toothbrushes in the top drawer.

I lie and wait and soon he is back, tall and naked and a God.

His erection is still there, good, no wasting it in the shower.

I expect it will be kind of weird, awkward, in the light of day, but he simply climbs back into bed and reaches for me again.

"I really had fun last night, Bella." he tells me, seriously.

"I did too, James, it was not like I expected at all."

His face drops. I can't think of what words will explain what I meant.

"I have never had any complaints" he throws back at me.

"I didn't mean that. This is all new to me, I just figured it would be more...mechanical, less erotic."

He covers my mouth with his, no doubt to shut me up and stop me from digging an ever bigger hole for myself.

I am about to pull back and remind him, no kissing, but his tongue has somehow entered my mouth and he is doing this thing, rolling and sucking on my tongue and I almost come there and then. My God.

This man is extremely talented. I allow the kiss until I am scared I will pass out from lack of oxygen.

I gasp in some air and he pounces again, and I seriously fear blacking out.

His hands are on my breasts I finally notice, he is pulling and rolling my nipples, and my body is alive with anticipation.

He releases my mouth and whispers in my ear.  
"What was your favorite part of last night? What would you like me to do again?"

I cannot help myself. I know this will have no influence on whether I conceive or not but I want his mouth on me again, his tongue inside me, his mouth sucking me in and...

"Your mouth." I manage to say.

"My mouth where? I can't quite remember where I put my mouth, you need to remind me." he teases, with a smirk.

Damn this man.

"On my...pussy."

"Oh, yes, I seem to recall that now." he jokes and moves down, kissing and sucking on my nipples as he goes. My back arches, closer, more, don't stop.

He chuckles and descends further.

I am on fire, my legs have fallen apart, way apart and I look down at him as he parts my folds and dives his tongue onto me, right where I need it to be.

My God. I can hardly stop myself coming right away and I want it to last.

"Ah, slower, keep it slower, I want to last.. not come yet."

"Whatever the lady desires" he answers and goes back to work, slowly, gently, so he barely touches me.

My clit is swollen and screaming for his tongue. He is at my entrance, diving his firm, long tongue in and out, plunging it inside, reaching new depths.

"God, don't stop.." I murmur. I cannot believe I can still speak.

He smiles and I feel him so slowly lick his way back to my throbbing clit. Oh yes. That's where it should live.

He continues his gentle ministrations and my head falls back on the pillow, I cannot watch any longer. My eyes close and I start to murmur words that have no meaning.

I think all the blood has deserted my brain.

He quickens his pace and I bite my lip to stop myself screaming.

My God. I want him to live in my bed.

My body refuses to listen to reason and my walls clamp on his tongue and warmth overwhelms me.

"I am coming.." I tell him, someone, the universe....

My body swells and shakes and blushes all over. The tidal wave is slow and all encompassing and nothing else exists. I welcome it whole heartedly but also mourn that this is over. My clit is celebrating, pulsing and jerking in his mouth and he is softly licking me as I come back down. He licks all my juices away and moans at the taste.

My bones have dissolved to jelly and I just lie there, watching the stars light up the blackness behind my eyelids.

"_God, don't let me be pregnant already_" I think.

What the hell? That is the whole point.

But the goal posts just shifted. I want this to take months. Months and months. Maybe a year. It takes the average woman a year of regular sex to conceive. I bless the statistic.

My year started last night, I don't count the artificial inseminations.

His body has moved to lie behind me and he nuzzles my neck and shoulder and whispers in my ear, making me shiver.

"Ready for more? Can I come inside now? You taste delicious, like vanilla and sugar, so sweet. Taste yourself."

He leans and catches my lips with his and I explore his mouth with my tongue. It is surprisingly erotic, tasting the sweetness of my juices in his mouth.

"See, delicious." he whispers when the kiss ends.

I feel his hand reaching around my mound, seeking me out. His finger circles my clit and I start to rock against him. He enters me from the back and I feel him fill me, completely.

His body slaps up behind me and it turns me on even more. I can feel every inch of him, entering and withdrawing,slowly, faster, I want to scream.

He sucks on my neck and I know he will leave me marked but I don't care.

My body rocks of its own accord, pulling him in, waiting for him to come back.

"Do you like this? Do you want me to go harder? Quicker?"

My brain wrestles with the problem. Harder is good, very good, quicker is all pleasure, but it also leads to the end.

He smirks at my puckered brow, knowing exactly what I am fighting with.

"We can do it again after this, I have nowhere to be today."

That is it, I come immediately, the idea I can experience him over and over is more than my brain can process.

He laughs quietly and starts pounding into me.

"I see I need to catch up."

I am helpless in his embrace. He kisses my back and grasps my hips tightly and starts ploughing into me at a furious pace and I start to tighten again. My God, I had no idea my body was capable of this.

I used to throw a party if I came once. My lips start humming, and I rock against him and thats it, explosions and stars and my body grips his erection so tightly he shoots inside me, yelling my name.

"Bella, Bella, God woman, Bella."

He is done, he falls to my side and lays on his back, smiling at me.

I gasp in some air and try not to embarrass myself by passing out.

Its too much. I have had more action in the last 12 hours than in the last 18 months.

My body is left tingling from head to foot. Lack of oxygen?

"I really want this to become a regular thing. Are you into that idea at all?" he asks.

"I am, how regular?" I reply a little too eagerly. I blush.

"Don't be embarrassed, our bodies are so good together. They just want this regularly and who are we to deny them?" he asks.

"What do you ...how often are.." I can't think of what to answer.

"I am thinking, I need your number and I will ring you whenever I get a night off at the hospital. I can't predict what nights that will be. Are you free any days? I sometimes get a few days break and after I catch some sleep, I would love to catch some more time with you."

"I can work from home, online. I have to go into the office twice an week but no set days."

"Your husband....." he leaves the question open.

"Um, he is away for the next.." Dare I say, year? Shall I send him to stay with his bedridden mother?

"for the foreseeable future." I amend.

That way, I always have an out.

If this ever becomes less, or worse still, more, I can back away.

He leaves the bed and gets his phone from his jeans pocket and hands it to me.

I enter my number and hand it back. He sets a ring tone for me and rings my own phone. I get up and walk to the desk where it lays. I save his number and flick through the ring tones.

I settle for "Sex on Fire." It seems appropriate.

He watches me and as soon as I lay the phone back down, he rings me.

Kings of Leon scream into the quiet morning.

He smirks and hangs up.

"Ring me".

I walk back and hit his number.

The same song echoes around the room.

He laughs and reaches out for me.

He draws me in for a hug and just stands there, breathing into my hair.

"You are an amazing woman, Bella Swan."

I don't know what to reply. What does one say to the most amazing lover on the planet?

"I really had a good time with you." I understate.

"It doesn't have to be over. I can stay all day, if you have no plans."

"Maybe we had better eat? So we have enough strength...". God, what am I saying?

"Shower with me?' he asks, stepping back and looking into my eyes.

God, he is beautiful. I walk with him into the bathroom, he has clasped my hand in his own and he pulls me into the shower cubicle behind him.

"No" I say.

He looks at me, questioningly.

"My friend has the most amazing shower in her bedroom."

We walk down the hall, I lead him this time and we walk quickly through Rose and Emmett's bedroom and into the adjoining bath. The cubicle is four times the size of the one in the guest bathroom, and has eight shower heads.

I turn them all on and we step in, and water hits every inch.

He relaxes and moans at the pulses of water.

"I want to live in this shower." he says.

Close enough. I want him to live in my bed. I can have a shower installed beside it.

I grab a loofah and start washing his broad, hard back. He smiles and shuts his eyes.

I wash him from head to foot, then start shampooing his silky locks, running my fingers through his tresses. He keeps his eyes shut and just stands there, allowing me access to all areas.

He is hard and erect again so I kneel and take him into my mouth.

His eyes open and he looks down, touching the top of my head and moaning.

I pull him in deeper. There is no way I can take all of him in, so I start to stroke him with my hand and his pelvis thrusts towards me, so I take him deeper, slowly, breathing in and out through my nose. My God. Maybe this is the one time I wish he was not so well endowed.

"Ah, Bella, I'm coming" he warns so I can pull back but I just hold him firm and take what he gives me, swallowing it down and gently licking him clean.

Fair is fair.

He pulls me up and puts his arms around me, dropping his head onto my shoulder.

"You are the most amazing woman, I cannot get enough of you."

"Nor I you." I reply.

"Bella, I... God, I don't know what I am saying..I just...I feel somehow connected to you."

I nod and smile at him.

"I understand. I know this can't go anywhere, I know it is what it is. But I do like you, I enjoy your company."

He is hard again already and he pulls me close and lifts me onto the step. Now our parts are at an even level and he pushes inside me, holding me close and humming in my ear.

We both come together at the same time, we really are getting good at this.

He washes my body, making sure every inch of me is pristine.

He gazes into my eyes, and I see a question in them.

"What do you want to ask me" I question.

"Can we, I dunno, do something? Hang out? Go somewhere?"

"Where do you want to go, James?"

"Okay, now, I have to confess something straight up. My name is not really James and I hate you calling me that. I am Edward."

I am surprised.

"Edward."

"Ah, yeah, the whole James thing..."

"It's fine. I understand. No paper trail."

"Yeah, something like that. But I want to keep seeing you, so I need you to call me Edward. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Edward. I like it, it suits you. Edward."

"Let me take you out for breakfast then we can just see how things go."

I agree and I step out of the shower and he throws a large fluffy towel around my body and starts to dry me.

"I have to make sure you are all clean and dry and powdered" he murmurs as he rubs my skin dry.

He lifts me into his arms and walks back into the guest room and he lays me on the bed and kisses my toes, then my ankles, then behind my knees.

"Edward, if we plan to go out, I think we had better leave it there." I laugh.

I miss his lips immediately. Drat me, why did I speak?

He picks up the tin of powder and sprinkles it on me, slowly rubbing it in. I roll onto my stomach so he will do my back as well. It is soft and soothing and I relish feeling a man touch me again. It has been so long.

I get dressed from my overnight bag, pulling on underwear and jeans and a midnight blue top with a lowish cut neckline and he stands behind me, kissing my exposed collar bones. I lean my head back against him.

God, where was this man when I was dating?

I know he is not available, has no interest in a relationship or he would not be selling his sperm to all takers. And personally delivering it.

But I want him in whatever capacity I can have him so I allow his lips to explore me and we finally, regretfully, walk out to his car.

He opens the passenger door for me and closes it behind me.

I raise my eyebrows. This guy is too much. I rejoice at the thought my child will be genetically like him, part of him. I can have that piece forever.

He drives me to a small cafe on the beach and we eat outside at the tables that sit along the sidewalk.

Edward is telling me tales about his job at the ER and some of the more amusing patients he has encountered. We have no awkward moments, we are just two new friends having breakfast.

When we finish and Edward has paid, he takes my hand and we walk along the sand. Now he is telling me tales of his childhood, holidays his parents took him on.

They are far more exotic than mine.

He asks about my family and I tell him about my dad, Charlie,Police Chief at Forks. My mother, Renee, wild child grown up, well, physically, she still does harebrained things I never even thought of doing in my teens.

I am surprised he shares so much with me, I had assumed he would want total anonymity, I could track him down in a flash after what he has revealed about himself. Father, Carlisle Cullen, Chief of Medicine. Mother, Esme, Interior Designer with her own business. I could probably find them in the phone book, or Google them.

Maybe he prefers his offspring know about where they came from.

"Do you do this often?" I ask.

"No, never. I have never had a 'date' like this. I normally just..well, you know...leave before morning shall we say."

"I understand but what is different this time?"

"You. You are. I just have some feelings I have never had before, I don't pretend to understand them. I just need to spend a little time with you, out of bed. Is that okay? I know you have a husband, I know you are not looking for a relationship, and neither am I. I would just like us to be, maybe, friends? Would that be alright?"

"I would like that, Edward." I answer honestly. We are both on the same page.

We walk along the beach as far as it goes and only turn back because the tide has turned and we are losing sand to walk along, some places have narrowed so we have to scramble on the rocks beside the beach.

Edward helps me and holds my hand, never letting it go. Something surges whenever we touch. It is a connection but it has manifested into a physical currency.

We arrive back at the parking lot and get in his car.

"How do you feel about hiking in the forest?" he asks.

"Fine, if you are willing to pick me up and carry me when I fall and break my leg" I half joke.

"Bella, you are, what 110 pounds, I think I can carry you."

He parks his car on a small side road and I am relieved to see a pathway through the forest. However he pulls me away from it and walks through the trees instead.

"Just promise you are not taking me deep into the forest to murder me and leave my poor, broken body to be eaten by bears" I huff, trying to keep up with him.

"Your poor body may well be broken by the time I finish with you but I promise I won't leave it to the bears" he laughs.

We finally enter an area where the sun shines through the canopy of treetops above us and I gasp at the sight in front of me. An almost perfect circle of grass, wildflowers abounding everywhere, it is surreal, like a painting. A creek runs along the far side and a small waterfall tumbles down, providing the only sounds.

"Edward, where are we? What is this place?" I gasp.

"Its my meadow. My grandfather left me a large parcel of land here and I don't allow hikers through this section, they have to stick to the path you saw, this is my own private place. I have never brought anyone else here before" he says, a little shyly.

"Thank you for bringing me. Its perfect."

He pulls me down beside him and kisses me sweetly and gently.

"How did you find it?" I ask.

"When I was a kid, my grandparents often took me hiking with them and one day they were both ill and I was bored so I snuck out alone and got totally lost and while I was trying to find my way home, I came across this meadow. I followed the stream as I knew it had to join the creek behind our house and sure enough, I ended up back home. My parents called my grandparents and told them I had come back home and I never told anyone what I had discovered. I came back often and worked out how to access it from the road. When they died and I inherited the parcel of land, I made sure I had signs made and put up to keep hikers on the path, threatening to fence off the whole area if they wandered off the established pathways. I had to keep this one place for just me."

I was silent, not knowing how to take this. He kept this place to himself all these years yet he brought me here? Knowing we would never be together, he still chose to give me this gift. To share part of himself. He was a deep person, of many layers and I had put peeled back one or two. I would love to know what lay at the center, once all the layers were pulled off and his heart exposed.

It was quite warm and we lay side by side talking, he told me how much he loved his grandparents and how sad he was when all four died within the one year.

He had no intention of ever selling this land, it was to stay in the family forever.

I concluded he was warning me, my child would have no claim on any Cullen assets.

I was sure I had signed all the necessary forms anyway, agreeing to have no right to ask for child support or inheritance.

I smiled at him to show I had no hard feelings. The child was to be mine alone and if I could have managed to conceive without a man's help, I would have done so.

I rolled onto my stomach and picked a dandelion plant and started blowing the soft white fluff into the air.

He lay beside me and ran his hand over my back, rubbing gently.

His breathing became a little loud and he rolled his body closer and started to seek out my breasts and massage them. I rolled back onto my back and he gently started to remove my top, then he pulled off my docs and sox,then my jeans and panties. I lay back on the grass, naked and relaxed. He stood and stripped his own clothes off and lay back beside me.

"I always wanted to come and make love to a beautiful woman here. Its been my fantasy since I was about fourteen." he confessed.

I felt honored that he had chosen me.

He started to kiss my lips and his tongue begged entrance into my mouth, which I granted. His hands ghosted over my breasts and down my body, leaving a trail of excited chills behind on my skin.

He nudged my legs apart and he slid down my body and kissed me gently on my throbbing center. He opened my folds and licked me a couple of times so my clit was swollen with need and hope, then he came back up and suckled on my breast. I felt him enter me slowly and I welcomed him inside, raising my hips to envelope him. He moved in and out, slowly, deliberately, building up the sensations, driving my brain wild, making me long for more. I bucked against him and he chuckled and increased his pace, pushing in deeper each thrust. When my body started to tighten around him, he pulled out and flipped me then entered me again. I wriggled up onto my elbows and knees and he thrust in, long and hard, and started to hum. He was obviously happy and contented at this point and I felt the same. I went along with whatever he wanted, it was his fantasy. My body started to tense and tighten again and this time he allowed it, quickening his pace and humming louder, pushing in and out of me. My climax hit and he reached his orgasm at the same moment so we froze together for an instant before rocking together and riding it out.

He pulled out of me and we lay on our backs, side by side, our hands joined.

"This has been the single most perfect moment of my life" he confessed.

"And mine. It was just wonderful and perfect, you are right." I admitted.

We lay together until the sun moved lower and the air started to cool rapidly.

Edward leaned over me and kissed me sweetly but deeply, just affection, not desire or need.

When he lay back down beside me, a small pink butterfly hovered above us, flying in circles and fluttering its wings. It was close enough to reach out and touch.

To our amazement, it landed on my naked stomach and just stood there.

"Wow, I cannot believe this, you even attract butterflies. It must smell how gorgeous your scent is. To me its roses and vanilla, but now I have to add to that, roses, vanilla and butterflies."

I laughed at him and my stomach rippled and the butterfly flew away.

"I am so happy you were here with me today. I shall treasure this memory." he said wistfully.

I got the idea he didn't have a lot of these types of memories to treasure. Neither did I.

My previous happy memories had all been tarnished by the bitterness of truth.

We redressed each other, laughing as we fell when pulling jeans onto the other, and we ended in a tangled heap on the ground again. Edward pulled me into his arms and kissed me and rolled us around in the wildflowers. I wished we had a video of this moment. It was sweet and innocent and precious.

He chuckled at my hair becoming tangled, full of petals, and he started to pluck them out, one at a time.

"She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me..."

I just laughed and shook myself free of his hands and started to run towards the waterfall.

He stood there for a minute, watching me and smiling to himself, then he tossed the petals he had plucked from my hair into the meadow and chased after me, catching me around the waist at the edge of the water. I wriggled free and knelt down to wash my hands and face in the cool, crisp water.

"We should have swum in here earlier when it was warmer. Its really bubbly and feels like being in champagne" he said quietly but excitement tinged his words.

I let the bubbles drift up through my fingers. It felt like soft jets in a spa.

"We will come back here one day and we will swim naked in this pool." he promised me, sealing the deal with a kiss.

We took hands and walked back through the trees. He helped me up when I tripped on roots and fallen branches, then he stopped in front of me, and gestured for me to climb onto his back. When I was ready, he reached behind and held my thighs and took off at a jog and we were back to the car in ten minutes. He dropped me to the ground then sat down beside me.

"Bella, I feel like a different person when I am with you. Thank you."

"Thank you, Edward. I feel like a silly teenager again, a teenager with a crush" I grinned at him.

He chuckled and kissed me and we got back into his car and drove away.

* * * * * * * * * *

I am quite sorry when he decides he has to go. He needs to catch some proper sleep before his next shift and he decides he won't be able to achieve that goal in my bed.

I laugh but agree. There's no way my hands would behave with him lying beside me.

We drive back to Rose's and he kisses me softly and sweetly and promises to ring next time we can meet.

I watch him drive away then walk into Rose's and throw the sheets and towels into her washer and make myself a coffee.

I have to wait and transfer the washing to the dryer before I leave so I sit and think about the last few hours. I fear we have crossed the line by going out but maybe the line needs to be redrawn.

I wonder if he will want to be in his child's life at all, if this works out.

Too early, way too early, for questions like that.

I don't want him to think I am expecting him to be a father to the child. I will wait until the conception occurs.

I can wait, see how things go, I tell myself. I remake the guest bed with fresh sheets from the cupboard and pack my bag and generally tidy up.

The washer is finished so I pull out the wet items and push them into the dryer, set it and leave, locking up behind me.

I drive home, a smile on my lips and in my heart.

**Please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**This Edward is a much darker and deeper one than my others and definitely more flawed, please be patient with him.**

The Mistake

Chapter 3

EDWARD'S POV

I woke up and stretched my body and my mind instantly filled with images and memories.

Her eyes. Her body. Her warmth. My meadow.

My God. What a woman.

Where the hell did Mike find her? And why didn't he keep her for himself? Stupid man.

I checked my clock and my phone. I had another 30 minutes before I had to go to work.

I decided to send Bella a text then thought again.

Was this a good idea?

I have met and fucked many women, I have never felt what I felt with Bella.

Should that be a red flag? Stay away, intruder alert, keep away from this woman.

I didn't want to. I had found it ...nice...different...having feelings for a change.

I didn't understand them and I knew we could never be together but I want more and I know there's no point kidding myself. I will be back.

_Finally got some sleep without you in my bed-E_

That sounded harsh. I deleted it.

_Finally got some sleep, best dreams ever, the dreams were nothing on the reality -E_

I hit send before I could over think things.

_Glad to hear it, better things than sleep tho,lol-B_

Vixen.

_Miss you – E_

Whoa, where did that come from?

What the heck, we only live once. I hit send.

I waited a few minutes but she didn't reply so I jumped under the shower and got ready for work.

Mike was already there when I arrived.

"Well, Cullen, did I do good? Did you like her?"

"I fucking loved her, Mike."

"Fucking loved her or loved fucking her, Cullen?"

"Both, douche. She is amazing. I can't believe you didn't keep her for yourself."

"Really? I have had her, didn't think she was that good. Now, Jessica and Lauren, my two new 'besties',man, you would not believe..."

I picked up the next chart and glanced at the patient details, walking away backwards, grinning at him. I didn't have any desire to hear about his night because even if he had two girls in his bed, he could not have had as much fun as I did.

And I didn't think for one minute he had 'had' Bella. I would believe her over him any day and there's no way he would have tossed her to me if he had 'had' her.

Work was brutal, as always. One accident after another. Drink driving is a bigger threat to our population than war. Stupid boys who think they are invincible. Wait until you wake up in a wheelchair and your dick doesn't work, fucker.

That should be the slogan for the anti drink/drive campaign. They don't think for one minute they will be left a paraplegic, and they don't care if they die half the time, but tell them they will have no sensation below the waist and they may just think before they get behind the wheel.

Dr Tanya Denali waltzes up to me with a smile on her face.

"Edward" she purrs.

I honestly would be in her in a shot but I have to work with her every day and she would probably kill me, anyway. I have walked in on her fucking half the staff here and she is an energetic kind of girl. I never sit on the couch in the doctors lounge, enough said?

"How are you, Tanya?"

"Well, I would be a heck of a lot better if you met me in the lounge, I have a procedure I need help with."

I smirk at her and raise my eyebrows.

"Really, Tanya. Does that line work for you a lot?"

"More than you would think, Edward."

She sidles up close to me and speaks straight into my ear.

"I know you like pussy, and I have heard plenty of stories about your size, why won't you come see if you fit in me?"

"Because, Tanya, we work together and its not a good idea. I don't do drama and that is what it would lead to."

Our mentor walked up, saving me from having to talk any further.

"Doctor Alice Brandon has been called away on a family emergency so until she comes back, Doctor Rosalie Hale will be doing her role. So, problems, questions, excuses as to why you just killed a patient are to be directed to her. I shall be away most of the day as my dear, sweet, blood sucking soon- to- be ex wife has me in court yet again today. Apparently I still have some blood left somewhere that she is yet to suck out of me so I have to go bleed some more."

I really sympathized with the man. He had worked his ass off for years here at the hospital and in his time off and holidays, he had built an amazing brick house by his own hands.

It had taken him many years but it was an amazing showplace of brick and exposed wooden beams, the polished wooden floors reflected the light that beamed in through the many glass walls.

Upstairs was just a massive loft bedroom with a jacuzzi sunk into the floor, an open plan bathroom with twin vanities, massive multi headed shower with smoky glass surrounds, and an old fashioned claw footed tub the main feature. The toilet was discretely hidden behind a ¾ height wall. The entire bathroom had mirrored walls.

Downstairs were four guest rooms with their own ½ baths attached, a massive lounge room, a formal dining room, music room , library, study, and state of the art kitchen. The house was built in an L shape so another loft room overlooked the family room that sat in the elbow of the L shaping.

It had a stained wooden staircase leading up to a large airy room that held an antique pool table with the most intricately hand carved legs I had ever seen. It had been a major undertaking just getting the table upstairs, he had hired a crane and then the roof section had to be hastily replaced before the weathered turned. It had been a close thing and the last nail was barely in when the sky opened and rain poured down, too late to do any damage, Thank the Gods.

Underneath this loft was an indoor pool in a large, Roman themed room that had doors that opened and slid back so the room was open and exposed to the outside patio area, making it seem like part of the outdoors..

Most of us male interns had been there helping him with various jobs over the years and a lot of our blood and sweat was poured into that masterpiece of a house and as a result, he had invited us back many times for a night of darts and pool and card games.

We all loved his house and were willing to help all along the way.

And now it was for sale.

And all because he had foolishly 'fallen in love' with a nurse he was fucking and she was taking him for every cent he had.

The sale of the house was a tragedy.

Bad enough he would have to support the bitch until she found some other poor bastard to screw over, but that house was his, morally. She waltzed in and took it over after the work was done and the house was finally complete and perfect.

I was toying with the idea of buying it myself. I had my nest egg inheritance from both grandparents and I loved that fucking house.

It was set in several acres of parklike grounds, and my own property shared his back property line. It was a short drive out of town backing onto the forest, far enough out to be in a different world.

The nearest neighbors were too far away to cause any disturbance even if they hired a punk band to play day and night in their garage. Speaking of garages, the garage was located away from the main house and could easily hold four cars.

I have a small collection of cars myself, my useful day car, a Volvo, plus a Lamborghini and a Porsche so I really did need a house with a garage like this.

I made a snap decision.

"Dr Volturi, I would like a private word if you can spare me a minute."

While we called him Aro out of the hospital, we stuck with the proper formalities at work.

"Of course, Dr Cullen. Walk me to my car."

We exited through the main door and walked into the sun.

"Aro, I cannot bear to see your house get sold to some rich businessman who cannot possibly appreciate the work that you put into it. I would like to make you an offer. I need a house of my own and your house is a dream come true. I want to 'keep it in the family' as it were. Would it bother you to sell it to me?"

"I would be glad to, Edward. After all the fights and tantrums my dear wife threw, not to mention the gardeners and pool boy she screwed inside, it has become somewhat tainted to me.

I would love you to exorcise the ghosts and make it back into the bachelors hang out it was always intended to be.

Here's my agents card. I shall ring him and tell him to accept your offer. Don't go too high, remember half goes to her. Maybe we should make a deal. I cut the price drastically and you give me a cash birthday present so the bitch gets ripped off some of her share."

We sat in his car and hammered out the details then he rang his agent and told him to accept my ridiculously low offer and it was done. I had a house. And no bitch as ever setting foot inside of it. The only exceptions would be the party girls we invited over for some fun time sexing.

My thoughts of Bella changed after the transaction and I started to see her as just as bad as every other woman. She was not so special. She was good in bed. Many women were and I could even just pay for sex and be guaranteed no ties if thats what I chose. I had too much to lose, now. No ties, no connections, no feelings interfering with logical thinking.

I admit to myself, if it was just sex to me, I could continue but I know it has the potential to be so much more.

And that road leads to heartbreak and disaster.

I decided not to call or text her again.

Throughout the day, I change my mind a million times.

I will stay away. I will see her just once more. I will see her regularly but redraw the boundary lines and just fuck her, not allow her to make me feel what I felt with her. Can I do that? It is a lot to ask and just seeing her face in my head awakens the feelings again. I cannot do this.

I cannot let her in. She will just use me and destroy me.

If I give her the smallest part of my heart, she will rip it to shreds.

Why does she affect me? I have never had a problem walking away after a screw. I have often not even asked their names, or yelled the wrong name when I come inside them. But Bella, just thinking her name makes my heart feel things I have never felt.

I find myself day dreaming. What if she were mine? All mine and I didn't have to be with any other women ever again? What if it was her and I for eternity? I knew what I felt could turn into love if I let it. Sure, its a foreign feeling but I recognize its beginnings, nevertheless.

Then reality hits and my dreams crash down.

She is married, you idiot.

She has feelings for some other man.

Not me.

It will never be me.

She agreed to hook ups, for sex, not for affection and not to develop feelings for me like I could allow myself to feel for her.

It has to stop, right now.

Its the only way I can survive.

I have to banish her image from my mind and replace the memories of her soft body from my brain.

I know what I must do.

I have kept my hook ups out of my own section of the hospital but I do have a nice little nurse on the boil over in Pediatrics.

She has been away on a course and I have a chart that needs to go over to her section so I tell Mike to cover for me and head over, waving to Tanya as I go.

Leah is sitting behind the admin desk as I walk in.

"For you" I say, handing her the file.

"Edward, you shouldn't have." she replies with a wink.

"I am not sure where to file it, can you help me out with that?"

I pull her into the file room and lock the door.

She is on me in an instant. It has been a few weeks for us and I am hard as a rock.

I reach up under her uniform and, whoa, no panties.

"You seem to have forgotten part of your clothing today, Nurse."

"Really, doctor. No one else has noticed, you must be extra observant."

"Oh I am, where you are concerned, Nurse. But they are part of your regulation uniform, you are lucky I don't spank you."

"Maybe later" she huffs in my ear.

She unzips my pants, and hands me a small silver packet. I sit her up on the desk, open the condom and pull it on, and push inside her.

She gasps and starts to moan already. God, she is so freaking easy to turn on.

I ram in and out and have no desire to stop and wait for her so I pinch her clit and she comes at the same moment I do.

There, I have done it. Goodbye, Bella. I do not want or need you.

I lean over, catching my breath, then stand up straight just as my pager goes off. I drop the used condom in the waste paper basket, and readjust myself back inside my boxers.

I zip up and reach for the phone.

"Be there in 2."

I blow her a kiss and race back to the ER.

Somewhere inside, part of me shrieks and cries at my betrayal.

I ignore it. I will kill off that piece of me.

A hole starts to open in my chest and I struggle to breathe.

It will get easier.

I will banish her and her soft delicious scent.

She is not mine.

She will never belong to me.

I don't even want her.

I don't.

My shift finally ends but I am on call so I go into the darkened on call room and collapse on one of the beds. Leah walks up to the side of my bed.

"Dr Cullen, I believe you owe me a spanking."

"God, Leah, I am so freaking tired."

"I shall bend over all ready for you" she says. And walks over to the couch, leaning over it and exposing her backside to me, by flipping her skirt up over her back, out of the way.

Her naked buttocks look too good so I climb off the bed and discard my pants and boxers onto the floor and stand behind her, plunging straight in. This is my style. A straight fuck. No ties, no hopes and dreams. Bella Swan cannot come along and change me. I am proving that, I am still me.

I fuck her long and hard and chant in my head.

Go away Bella. I don't want you, Bella. Leave me alone.

Her image makes my body tighten and tingle and I pull out so I come onto the floor. No sense taking chances. Leah is on the Pill, I prescribe it myself, doesn't mean I trust her. I have made it very clear I will not be doing the right thing if she gets knocked up.

She has no more desire to procreate than I do.

This is enough, I tell myself.

Leah is back, I can fuck her whenever I want. Mike can hook me up with someone else, several some one else's. I don't need the drama of any kind of relationship. I don't need Bella Swan.

Bella is married. I think that's what gets to me the most, I have never done a married woman before, that I know of. I would hate, hate and detest, a wife of mine to betray me and I will never give any woman that chance. I wonder what Bella will manage to rip off from her husband if they end up divorcing. He may not even know she screwed with me. She never mentioned anything much about him. When I was with her, she seemed like an angel but away from her, I can lose the rose colored glasses and see her flaws. She promised herself to some poor bastard and came to me when he let her down in some way. She would never be mine and why would I want her? She already proved she doesn't keep her wedding vows.

I can fuck Leah and she is free to fuck anyone else she wants.

Just as I have always taken Mike's hook ups even while Leah is available.

We are simply using each others bodies to get off.

I pull my boxers back on and throw my pants across the chair and fall into bed.

I hear Leah wiping up the mess on the floor and then she leaves, as my eyes close and I fall asleep.

I awaken to moans and grunts and know immediately Mike is in the room, and not alone.

Bastard.

I open one eye, he has one of the young new nurses over the couch, much as Leah was earlier and his backside is something I never want to see again. He finally grunts loudly and pulls out, and slaps her ass.

"Well done, sweetheart, we shall make an A grade fucker out of you yet." He pulls his boxers and trousers up and tosses her a pair of lace panties off the floor.

She slips them on and smiles timidly at him. He pats her head.

"See you tomorrow. Be good."

She simpers and leaves the room.

"Did you even get her off?" I ask.

"How the hell would I know and why would I care?' he answers.

He lays on the next bed to mine and is snoring in seconds.

I look at him, trying to see what all these women see in him. He is puffy fat in the face, losing his blond hair day by day, his waistline is expanding. Yet I have not seen a single woman ever turn him down and he evens convinces them to spend time with us, his colleagues, when he is feeling generous towards us or wants us to cover his shift.

That reminds me of Bella again and I feel the tension in my belly.

I can't stand that she gets to me. This is wrong. If I had woken up and Mike had been shagging Leah I would not have cared at all. If he had been with Bella, I would probably have beaten him to a bloody pulp.

Not cool, Cullen.

Let her go, end it before it begins.

My pager goes off and I pull my pants on and run for the door. Work is calling me again.

* * *

BELLA'S POV

I spent the whole day today wondering about Edward. I am sure Alice calls him James. I can imagine a donor changing his name for his 'donation recipients" but to call himself another name at work?

Strange.

I can't help wondering when I will see him again. I wonder if he is personally inseminating any other women at the moment? I don't suppose I can even ask him that. He admitted he had done this before to both Alice and I so I wonder if he treated the other women like he treated me. He said not.

Alice has agreed not to mention James until the deed is done, the rabbit dies.

I am not comfortable telling her the intimate details. I also fear she will say what we are doing is wrong. Not the pregnancy part, the kissing and going to breakfast and walking on the beach and being together in his meadow

.

She sees it as purely an agreement, a transaction.

I open my phone and read his last message again. He misses me.

That thrills me and chills me at the same time.

I cannot let this get out of hand.

I know what I want.

I always thought I knew what I wanted and I spent many years dating one after another useless, unsuitable men. I was smart enough not to sleep with any of them at all and when I met Riley I thought he was different. I thought he was the One.

I cannot explain why. He appealed to me on so many levels. His rugged good looks, his blond hair and big blue eyes, his boyish charm. From the day I first met him, I knew I was putty in his hands and when he proposed after 2 years of dating, there was no longer any need to keep saying no to his requests. We were getting married. I gave him my body and my heart and he used and abused both. He had me suckered in and I didn't look for the signs that he was cheating on me because it simply never occurred to me that he would. Then the night he told me those words.

"We have to talk."

I knew it was bad, I knew things were changing.

I just didn't expect the six month pregnant 'other fiancée'.

Victoria.

He introduced us, brought her into my home, our home, the apartment we had found together and lived in together for eight months.

Once I had given in and slept with him, he had said he had to have me every night and I was excited at the thought of us getting married and an apartment came vacant in the building we both admired for its architecture and between us, we could afford the mortgage so we bought it.

We had figured on living there until we decided it was time to have kids. Together, was the plan. Just didn't work out that way.

We had reasoned I could have the first baby and we could then start looking for a house and by the time we found one and it settled, the baby would still be less than a year old, and there was plenty of room for one small baby in the apartment.

Luckily I had decided to wait and not have a baby until after the wedding. Of course, the wedding never happened so it was just as well. I don't know what he would have done if we had both been six months pregnant. Invited her to live in the guest room? Made our baby share its nursery with hers?

I sold Victoria my half of the mortgage and moved out. I lost my fiancé, and my home, in one blow.

And I got to see her get bigger and then push her red pram around the place and knew her baby slept in the room we had earmarked as a nursery for our firstborn.

I had to pass the building every night on the way to my small, poky room I rented in a nearby building.

I had to remain in the area and apartments were hard to come by. I had no choice but to live practically on their doorstep.

At night, the light would often be on in the nursery room and I would see his silhouette as he walked the floor with the baby that should have been ours, in his arms. I could hear the soft cries and his voice, soothing and gentle. I knew he would be an amazing father and that was a large part of the attraction.

The times I saw him pushing the pram with Victoria by his side, it was hammered into my head.

It should have been me there beside him.

It should be my little baby.

I was killing myself, staying there.

I saw them every single day, there was no escaping.

Our friends were now their friends.

I was that embarrassing ex that nobody knew what to do about.

Do we invite her as well and risk upsetting Victoria?

Do we attempt to pass her off to some bloke we know will date anyone, just so she moves on and stops being his ex?

I did nothing wrong yet I was the problem.

They all loved the baby, loved them as a couple, replaced me with her.

I was no longer invited anywhere, avoided in the street, a quick embarrassed wave was the most I got as they dashed across the road to avoid having to speak to me.

My life had been stolen, my role taken by another.

I had no place in the world.

I left NY with my tail between my legs, I had to get away. I could not stay and watch her baby grow and their family expand. I ran back home, like the broken reject I was.

I also lost all trust in men.

I spent a year concentrating on my career and trying to conceive via the anonymous sperm I bought.

Which led me to the here and now.

Some days, I see my life as the shambles it is.

Others I can convince myself I am working towards my goals and getting there.

I cannot let any attraction I may feel for Edward change anything.

I am glad he is attractive.

I am glad we can be friends.

But it cannot change anything. I will not allow it.

He would just let me down.

**Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

The Mistake

Chapter 4

BELLA'S POV

I had sent several texts to Edward to check if he was available this week but when he bothered to reply, he was brief and discouraging. I was getting the idea he had no intention of visiting me again. I didn't understand his change of attitude. It was not as if we were in any kind of relationship and that was how he was acting. Like he had changed his mind about dating me.

What we had was merely a business agreement.

What would I do if he didn't agree to come back next month?

I had no intention of sleeping with multiple donors, I had fought with myself for months before deciding I had to sleep with him. I had tried every other way to conceive, sleeping with a donor was my very last resort.

I realized I may have to give up the whole plan.

If Edward bails, and it seems he has, then I guess I just accept that I will truly be alone for the rest of my life.

I cannot see myself ever letting another man in, and the baby was supposed to be the source of my future companionship, and family.

I have no siblings, no cousins.

I have a father, Charlie, he is divorced from my mother, Renee.

She remarried but there are no children from her marriage to Phil, so I am an only child forever.

Alone in the world.

My mother and Phil live in Arizona so I fly to visit once a year but my father is the local Police Chief here so I see him most weeks.

We have dinner together maybe twice a month, I cook. He is a typical bachelor of his age, goes to the local diner most nights for dinner, buys in take away. There is never much in his pantry so I always buy the ingredients I need before driving to his house.

I usually cook something like a large lasagna and cut up the leftovers and freeze in single portions so I know he wont starve to death if he ever gets snow bound and cant make it to the outside world to eat.

I have gotten ahead at work because I had assumed I needed to be available on short notice for Edward, so now I have time on my hands.

Alice is away, Rose is working extra shifts to cover for some colleague who is ill or something.

I went to school with both Alice and Rose but when I went away to NY for college, we kind of lost touch, and since I moved back here we have all been getting used to juggling our time to fit each other back in.

Alice is getting married soon and I am penciled in to be one of her bridesmaids but with the whole pregnancy attempts, I may not be able to fulfill the role, depending on timing. Rose will be her matron of honor. Rose got married to Emmett while I was in NY and I didn't make it back for the wedding. She just had a small ceremony and only one bridesmaid, Alice. Rose is a talented and dedicated doctor, as is Alice, but Rose is actually in charge of the interns this week so she was a little nervous having them all have to answer to her.

She has been just as supporting as Alice has, over my decision to have a baby alone. Both feel strongly that it is a viable choice and the right one for me. I think they worry I will always be alone if I don't take this step.

I dug in the freezer and pulled out a carton of Ben and Jerry's and sat on the couch and started comfort eating.

Even my donor doesn't want my company.

A man, turning down free, for who knows how long, sex.

Sex with no ties or obligations, no flowers to buy or dinners to pay for.

I really thought I was worth at least a repeat visit.

Clearly I overestimate my charms.

Edward had seemed to enjoy himself and the 'extras' had been all his idea, not mine.

He could have simply fucked me and gone, it was he who chose to stay the night and to let me choose the morning after activities.

He was the one who wanted to go to breakfast, walk along the beach, take me to his secret place.

I suspect deep down the problem is not the sex, but the intimacy.

There was something building up between us and he had allowed me in, taken me to his meadow, played out a long time fantasy.

I was sure this was what was behind it.

I had broken down some of his carefully constructed walls.

I had triggered feelings he did not want to have.

I knew how that felt, it was the same for me.

I could be wrong.

Maybe he has too many potential baby mommas demanding his time and presence.

Whatever. I don't need him. Yet.

The rest of the month I threw myself into work and earned plenty of brownie points for my long hours and dedication. It was more, a distraction.

Edward had not sent even one text the last two weeks.

And the final one I had was simply

_Busy at work, no time, sorry. Have a good life._

Have a good life.

In other words, nice knowing you, goodbye, go away.

Once again, tears poured down my face. I am so emotional and all over a man I barely know.

I had really thought we had a connection and although that didn't fit my plans, I had loved the whole idea that Edward had been attracted to me and wanted to be friends. Clearly, the cold light of day had changed his mind and he had probably forgotten me already. I dreaded the arrival of my period. In the past year, it had been because my efforts were not working, but this time it was because that would be when I had to face facts and make a decision.

Forget the whole idea?  
Ask Alice to find me another donor?

Pursue Edward and find out why the silence?

My nights were full of dreams and my dreams were full of Edward and our night together, and the morning after. Had I demanded too much? My body had barely met his but it missed him and his touch. I often woke writhing in passion, desperate for release. He had taken control over my body.

Damn man. He had just proved what I always knew.

You can't trust them or count on them. At all.

Rose rang and invited me over for dinner. I thought about my answer. I didn't really want to revisit 'the scene of the crime'.

Her guest room.

She had insisted I use her place so the donor would not know where I lived but as I gave him my name, my real name, he would have been able to track me down had he so desired.

"Bella. You are coming here so go get dressed and be here by 7pm."

"Okay, Rose. I give in."

I went and had a shower and got dressed. My breasts were a little swollen and tender, a sign my period was about to begin. I threw some tampons into my handbag and changed out of my white jeans into a black pair. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked pale and sickly so I put on some make up. I brushed my hair out and used the ghd on it, making it silky and straight.

I arrived at a few minutes past seven.

Jaspers car was in the drive and Alice's was parked on the street. I parked behind hers.

Rose opened the door and pulled me in.

"Good, you have make up on."

Whatever.

I walked in behind her and she pushed me to the front as we entered the lounge room.

Edward sat on her couch, with Jasper and Alice and Emmett.

"Bella Swan, meet Edward Cullen. He is a soon to be fully fledged doctor at our hospital."

Edward looked shocked and scared, almost.

Alice was looking at my face and saw the consternation there.

She looked at Edward's face and then back at me, raising an eyebrow.

Edward stood up and reached out a hand and shook mine.

"Nice to meet you, Bella."

He sat back down and an uncomfortable silence reigned.

"Bella, I need help in the kitchen." Rose said and pulled me away down the hallway.

"I will help too" piped up Alice and she entered the kitchen behind us and shut the door.

"Spill."

"What, Alice?"

"You know Edward. Spill."

"Oh, so now you call him Edward. Why did you tell me his name was James?"

"What? I introduced him as Edward Cullen" said Rose.

"Not you, Alice."

"I have never introduced you two before. What do you mean?And I have a bone to pick with you, standing up James."

"What?"

"James. Sperm donor. As in 'Oh Alice, please help me, please arrange a night with the best sperm donor even though it is against the rules and could cost you your job.' Then you stood him up. Nice one, Bella."

Shit.

"I did turn up, Alice. I just went home with the wrong man. I thought Edward was James. He came back here to Rose's with me and ….my God. Thank God I am not pregnant. He isn't a sperm donor, is he?"

"Well, he is rather free with his sperm, he leaves it in every woman he meets just about, but no, he is not a registered sperm donor."

Oh my God. How did this happen?

"He introduced himself as James. He sat in my booth and I told him I was Bella and he said he was James." I protested.

"Are you sure? He doesn't even know James."

I thought about our initial conversation.

Had he introduced himself as James or had I asked him if he was James? Whatever, he had not corrected me. He had at no point that night told me he was Edward, not James. He knew I was there to meet a James and he just ran with it and pretended it was him.

"So, you and Edward." said Rose.

"There is no me and Edward. He blew me off and I haven't seen him since."

"And you are not pregnant?"

"No, I don't think so. My boobs are sore, usually that means I start tonight."

"Bathroom" said Rose.

The three of us trooped down to Rose and Emmett's bedroom and into the bathroom. I glanced at the shower then away again.

"Bella, did all sorts of depraved acts happen in my shower?" she asked.

"They usually do on daily basis, Rose" Alice reminded her.

"Yes but Emmett and I are married. Its our shower."

"Sorry, Rose" I mumbled.

She opened a drawer of her vanity and pulled out a home pregnancy testing kit. From the pile inside.

"Here" she said, opening it and handing me the tiny plastic cup.

"Pee in this then stick this in the cup. Alice and I will wait in my bedroom....you didn't...."

"No, Rose, we didn't. We stayed in the guest bedroom."

"Thank God for that. Emmett and I will have to reclaim this shower as ours tonight."

She and Alice walked out and I peed in the cup and stuck the stick in and set them down on the bench.

"Can we come in?" said Alice.

"Fine" I huffed, opening the door.

"Do you feel pregnant? Sick, dizzy, tired?" asked Rose.

"Tired, maybe. Fed up, pissed off, furious, are they symptoms?" I asked.

We sat in silence and Alice watched the clock.

"Okay. Do you want to look or shall I?"

"You, please , Alice."

I watched her face.

She looked blankly at me.

"Alice!" I yelled.

Rose grabbed the stick.

"Fuck me, you are pregnant, Bella."

Fuck her? No, fuck me. I am royally fucked.

We walked out, back to the lounge room. Jasper and Emmett were sitting alone, looking at us.

"Where's Cullen?" said Rose.

"He had an emergency he had forgotten about." said Emmett.

"I can well imagine" said Alice.

"He was fine coming over. I came in his car with him, and he was his usual self, bullshitting me all the way, telling me of his days encounters with Leah and that redhead nurse in the cardiac wing. Then when he saw where we lived, he wanted to bail. He was really apprehensive about coming inside. I don't know what his problem was, our place may be basic and simple compared to his but still. He has never been here before, it was like he saw a ghost." related Emmett.

"Right, everyone to the dining room. Discussion time."

I walked into the room, head down, shaking. What had I done?

A player. The one thing I always avoided. Players. And now I was carrying a players baby.

"What's going on, Rosie?" asked Emmett.

"Well, Emmett, remember that night I booked us into the penthouse at Seattle for a night of romance? I did that because I lent our apartment here to Bella. She was unsuccessful, as you know, with artificial insemination so Alice arranged for her to hook up with a donor who does house calls.

She was to meet him at Jake's bar. Edward Bloody Fucker Cullen led Bella to believe he was the donor and she is now pregnant to him. Baby conceived in our shower."

"Maybe not." I piped up.

"Where else?" she asked with a long suffering sigh.

"Your guest bed, the forest..."

"Fine. Conceived wherever they fucked."

"Did Edward know you were meeting a donor? Because I know Edward and he would never want to father kid with anyone. He hates commitment of any kind and I kind of think a kid would be his idea of Hell on Earth."

"I agree" said Alice."He leaves a trail of used condoms around the hospital everywhere he goes. He has Leah on the strongest Pill available and he has put contraceptive implants in most of the other nurses he has wanted to fuck, well before he made his move."

"So I am pregnant to a manwhore player who hates kids?"

"Yes" all four chimed in at the same time.

I groaned.

I am so fucked.

I went home after listening to everyone else tell me what I should do.

"Get rid of it now, before you become attached"....Rose.

"Hell yeah, you don't want to mess with Cullen and you don't want his kid"...Emmett.

"Bella, its your baby too, and your decision."...Jasper.

"I can't believe this happened, I am so sorry, Bella. Its your decision."...Alice.

Their words slid around and around in my brain.

How could the very thing I had wanted for so long be bringing me such pain and heartache?

I had asked all four to keep this situation to themselves, especially Emmett. He was not to go and punch Edward's face in, as he wanted to. I did not want Edward to know anything at all, until I decided what to do and did it. If I chose to abort, I did not need any input from him.

If I kept it, it would be against his will and he would not be pressuring me to have an abortion. He was not to know. They all promised to not mention a single word until I gave them permission to. Not a word to anyone.

I found myself resisting the urge to go to Edward and try to talk about this every morning after I woke up with memories of that day in his meadow in my head. He seemed so nice and sweet and almost fragile there and it was hard to reconcile that memory with the stories Alice and Rose told me, for my own good. They were not willing to let me have any false impressions of the real Edward Cullen.

Rose had overheard him warning Leah once when she was 'late' that he was not having anything to do with her or any 'bastard' child she produced and she had taken a prescription he handed her and gone to have it made up. Rose checked the pharmacy list later and it was a drug to induce an early abortion.

Emmett was Edward's friend but he said Edward was quite ruthless when it came to women and he was sure if Edward knew I was pregnant, he would probably get a court order or something to make me have a termination. I had no way of knowing if that was possible, could a woman be forced to have a pregnancy terminated?

I decided what I would do. I asked my boss if there would be any problem if I went to live with my mother in Arizona for a few months. The magazine had an office there, I mainly worked online anyway and I could report to the Phoenix branch office when necessary. She agreed immediately, my location was of little importance.

I then decided to do something I would not normally do.

I decided to lie to my friends.

I invited them to dinner that night and after we had eaten and cleaned up, I announced I had miscarried and was going to stay with my mother for a while to recover.

Alice looked really sad at the news and pulled me into her arms. When she finished the hug, I was sad to see her eyes were brimming with tears.

Jasper hugged me and whispered in my ear how sorry he was and he hoped I would be okay and maybe I would get to have another baby one day in the future.

I felt terrible lying to them. They were such good people. I just could not risk the truth coming out and getting back to Edward. We all say things in the heat of the moment or just not thinking and I could not risk his ire. He saw Alice and Rose every day. They were sure to one day let something slip, unintentionally, but still.

Rose and Emmett were both trying to hide their relief at the news. They mumbled commiserations but their eyes said "Thank God for that." as clearly as if they had spoken out loud. I understood, they just didn't want me to have to deal with Edward Cullen.

I caught a plane and Phil collected me at the airport. I was pretty green after the flight and ran from the car to the bathroom to throw up.

Renee was in behind me in a flash.

"What's up, Bella? You fly all the time. You never get airsick. Are you pregnant?"

All this before she even said Hello.

"Yes, mother, I am pregnant. And you are the only one who knows."

"How far along?"

"2 months. I plan to stay until I am about 7 months, is that okay?"

"Of course. Are you hiding from the father?"

God, was this such a common scenario for women or was she psychic?

I sat down and sipped the tea she had made me and told her the bare facts of the whole situation.

She applauded my decision to have a baby alone, to a donor.

She condoned my not even asking for ID or asking Alice to be there to introduce us, an obvious thing to have done.

She was appalled at Edward's behavior and agreed I had to keep the news from him and never let him know the baby was his. She was violently opposed to me ever going back to Washington at all.

As the months slowly passed, I started to see sense in what she said. The trouble would not go away just because it was too late for him to force me to have an abortion.

The baby became more real to me every day and I had to protect it. I was appalled and amazed to read babies were at the most threat from their biological fathers than anyone else in the world. Of course, the second biggest threat was their mothers. We worry about kidnappers and pedophiles, as we should, when we are the baby's biggest threat.

I attended a maternity clinic with Renee by my side and watched on the sonogram as my baby changed from a little jellybean to a real baby, with fingers and toes, sucking its fingers, touching its head.

I was unsure if I wanted to know the gender so Renee had the doctor write it down and seal it in an envelope which sat mocking me on Phil's desk.

I often picked it up and gazed at it like I could see through the paper to the answer inside.

I just didn't have the courage to look for myself. I was still afraid, always afraid. Of Edward.

He would surely find out, one day.

What would I do?

I talked online to Alice and Rose and I stayed remote and just talked about Renee and Phil and my old friends that I had caught up with.

Renee came home one day and asked me if there was anyone I would marry, for convenience.

I asked why, and she explained a child born to a married couple, is assumed legally to be the child of the husband. If I got married, Edward would have to go to court and ask for a DNA test and I could refuse it. The law would need my husbands permission as well. We, together, could protect my baby.

I just needed to think of a man willing to marry me. Renee suggested the obvious choice would be Seth Clearwater, my childhood friend. He was gay and hid this from his family so he may agree just to keep up the facade he had created but he was a Quileute Indian and my baby was not going to look like him, at all. He was living back in Seattle and worked in the very bar where I met Edward.

I decided to sound him out, explain the situation without mentioning Edward by name, and see what Seth thought.

I sent him a long, detailed email and had barely hit send when the phone rang and Seth was talking to me.

"Are you sure?"

"I think I am, Seth. I don't see any other solution, do you?"

"It would solve a lot of my problems, Bella. You know my dad wants me to settle down and marry and he loves you already, and my sister adores you. And it would so get everyone off my back."

"I think we both need to spend a week thinking about all the consequences and really think if it is something we want. You would have to appear to be a real husband in public. I have no problem at all with your men friends, we would have a shared main bedroom that would be a prop and each have our own real bedrooms. Maybe you could offer guitar lessons or something to explain the men coming to our house."

"Good one, Bells. I think you and I could pull this off. And if you meet someone in the future that you want to marry, I would agree to a divorce immediately. Just the fact I had been married is enough for my family. I could be so upset about our divorce that I never date another woman, so it would be a win/win situation."

So, Seth was willing. I was still unsure that it was the right thing to do. I still felt like I should let Edward know, would he try to take the baby from me? Fight me for custody? All I knew about him said he wouldn't want to know, he wouldn't ever want to see the baby. But did I owe the baby the right to know Edward? And I was robbing his parents of what may well be their only grandchild.

I tossed and turned all night and I came to a conclusion. I would contact Esme Cullen. Explain the situation to her. Stress I was not looking for her to force Edward to marry me or anything, just offer them the chance to know their grand baby. And I could ask her to contact their lawyer and have him make up the necessary documents so the baby only inherited a dollar from its fathers estate. This would mean he hadn't left the baby out of his Will, just let Edward know we had no expectations from him.


	5. Chapter 5

**See the number of reviews for this story, above? Updates happen when the number ends in 0.**OR WHEN I GET A REVIEW I REALLY LOVE.

The Mistake

Chapter 5

Your Mood Swings Are Giving Me Whiplash.

ESME'S POV

I was busy deciding how to redecorate our large family room, rarely used since Edward and his friends no longer visited to play pool and such. And Edward had his own house, and what a beautiful house it was. We had visited it several times when Aro owned it, seen it at various stages of construction, and now our son owned it and he had allowed me to redecorate some of the rooms. I had stayed with his taste and not done a complete make over as I itched to, but it was Edwards home, not mine.

I was thinking of making our family room into a really grown up sitting room, and painting it in lilac then furnishing all in snowy white, maybe cane furniture, or French influenced furniture, maybe a couple of bookcases and display cabinets, then adding accessories with lilac, mauve, lilac and white check...

The phone rang, interrupting my train of thought.

I answered it a little distractedly, I know I saw some cushions in a gorgeous mauve floral print somewhere...

My attention snapped to the caller, a woman unknown to me.

"I am sorry, could you repeat that?"

"I am currently six months pregnant with your son's child."

"Does Edward know this?"

My heart had started to thump loudly.

Edward had made it very clear he had no interest in ever having children. He had recently gone as far as to make sure that would never happen.

Was this one of the nurses from the hospital? I knew there was a chance he would slip up with his whoring around at work. I just prayed it wasn't that Tanya woman.

"No, Edward does not know and there is little reason to tell him."

"I think there is. Who are you? One of his many 'friends' at the hospital?"

"No. Please let me explain. It was all a mistake."

I felt like screaming, of course it was a mistake. Edward would never purposely father a child.

"Go ahead, dear."

"My name is Bella Swan.."

"Charlie Swan's daughter?"

"Ah, Yes. You know my father?"

"Of course, Charlie is a friend of my husbands, they play golf together once a month."

"Oh, I didn't know, Charlie never mentioned that."

"Can we meet and talk in person? Do you live here in Seattle?"

"No, I did, but now I live in Phoenix with my mother and step father."

"I can be on a plane tomorrow."

"There's no need. I can explain now."

"No, Bella. I have heard of you, I know you are not Edwards usual type of 'friend' , I want to meet you and hear this face to face. Are you willing to meet me?"

"Of course. Let me lay that bit out first.

I am happy for you and Dr Cullen to see the baby, have access. I do not have any desire to involve Edward in any way, I do not want money, child support, or my child to inherit. I would like you to get something legal drawn up for me to sign when you come, stating all that. I am about to be married, before the birth. My husband Seth will be the father figure for my baby. I am only offering you the natural rights all grandparents should have. I would appreciate it if you did not tell Edward. I know I can't stop you but I would like to be safely married before he finds out."

"I will have to tell my husband, Carlisle, and see what he says. I appreciate your position, Bella, but Carlisle may insist on telling Edward."

"Then please listen and let me explain what happened."

I listened to her story, appalled at my son, he must have known she was waiting for this other man, the real donor. But I cannot say I was surprised. Edward had never acted responsibly, ever. He had slept with girls at High School, all through med school, and during his internship, which had only ended recently. He was about to open his own private practice but any hopes I may have had when he bought the house and seemed to be planning for a future that it may include marriage and a family were dashed when he asked me to redecorate the four guest rooms and made them all masculine as the only guests would be his many male colleagues when they were too drunk to drive home.

Edward is 27 years old and still acts like he is 20. I fear that will never change.

I can well understand Bella's reasons to exclude Edward from her child's life. I hate to say it, but it is probably for the best.

After she finished talking and we firmed up plans for me to visit later in the week, having decided I would need a day or two to get the papers she requested drawn up, we said goodbye and I hung up.

I rang Carlisle and asked him if he could come home.

He arrived an hour later and I related the whole story to him, including Bella's request that Edward not be told. He reacted strongly to this and refused to consider that at all.

He rang Edward at work and told him to come here straight away. The practice was not yet open, they were still setting things up so Edward had no patients as yet.

Edward argued of course, but I think he must have realized from Carlisle's tone that he had better come over.

He arrived and was his usual, casual self.

"Edward, we need to talk. Sit down."

"Okay, what is so important? I have things to organize if I am to open next week."

"Yes, well, this is more important. I believe you know the Chief of Police, Charlie Swan's daughter, Bella."

"Ah, yes, briefly."

"By briefly, you spent one night in her company?"

"Yes. She is of age, she is like 26 or something, not a teenager."

"I realize that. She is also six months pregnant."

"Not to me."

"Yes, to you. She has no reason to lie."

"Oh no, no reason to lie. She knows I have money, that is enough reason to lie."

"Did you use contraception with her?"

"No, but she was arranged by Mike Newton. He always makes sure the girls are covered and on the Pill or have implants."

"Did Mike introduce you?"

"In a way, he arranged for me to meet her at the club. And I did. Mike had left already."

"How did you know who she was?"

"Seth the bar tender told me Mike left me the woman in the red dress, and Bella had a red dress on."

"And no other woman there did?"

"I have no idea. Why would I care?"

"Because Bella was waiting for a sperm donor named James. Did you tell her you were James?"

"Oh, right. She did ask me if I was James. I thought Mike had provided me with a fake name. He did that sometimes."

"Why did you say you were James?"

"The same reason I say I am Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, Mike gets a kick out of giving me celebrity names, I just didn't bother thinking who James was."

"Well son. Congratulations. You are about to become a father."

"No fucking way in Hell."

"Edward, language. Your mother is here. And yes, you are. Get used to it. Your mother and I are flying to Arizona to talk to Bella Swan and she is allowing us to have access to our grandchild after its born. We are leaving Thursday and I am seeing our solicitor tomorrow and having the papers drawn up."

"So, Bella Swan wants papers drawn up. How much child support is she after? A one time payment of a million dollars? A weekly payment of $1,000 ? I had no idea she was knocked up. I would have gladly paid for her to have.."

"Do not finish that sentence, Edward" I screamed.

He looked at me.

"Mother, I would have had it taken care of. If its done early, there's no risks involved."

"There is a child killed, Edward. That is a risk."

"Well, she has chosen to have this kid. Tell me the amount she wants, I will sign whatever she wants me to, but don't mention any of this again and don't expect me to ever see the kid. It can be your grandchild but it will never be my child. She obviously did this for my money, I will pay her whatever the solicitor says I must, and thats all "

"She wants nothing. She wants you to sign away your parental rights and to have papers made up so her child gets no child support, no money from you ever, including from your Will."

He was quiet then.

He had the decency to look shocked and shamefaced for misjudging Bella.

He stood up and walked angrily to the door and slammed it behind him as he left.

EDWARD'S POV

I could not believe my ears when my father told me Bella was pregnant with my child. Of course, I reacted the way I always knew I would. Pay her off, get rid of her now.

When he informed me she wanted nothing, no money, but the termination of my rights as the father, I was shocked.

She wasn't even going for the inheritance scam, knowing I would probably never have another child, hers would hit the jackpot. But she didn't want any money.

Termination of my parental rights.

Normally I would sign that in a second, but it hurt me somehow that Bella thought so little of me that she wanted our child to have nothing to do with me.

And why hadn't she come to me?

I admit, I am an asshole to women and I never went back to her when I bought my house because I was scared she would do to me what Aro's wife did to him.

Now it seemed irrelevant. It was only a house, only money. She didn't want me to have any rights to see my own child.

I know I never wanted a child. But the moment it sunk in Bella was having my child, I felt the old feeling of a connection. The child would tie us together.

I had tried to find Bella a few times in the past few months but she had disappeared. When I asked Alice, she burst into tears and ran from the room. For an awful minute, I thought Bella was dead. Jasper had walked in at that moment and I asked him, and he just said Bella had moved away and Alice missed her. I guess Alice was upset that Bella was gone and pregnant.

Emmett had ignored me since that night at his place. We used to be friends but he just turned his back on me after that night. I figured he knew I slept with Bella and never called her again and he hated me for it. Now it seems maybe he knew.

Rose, Dr Rosalie Hale, just refused to speak to me unless at work, and as my boss, she made the last five months of my internship, as hellish as possible. I got the worst shifts, the most appalling patients, the hobo's and the drunks, any child with a vomiting bug, and when anything of an interesting nature came in, she took it herself or assigned someone else. She made my life as hard and boring and messy as she could. I don't think anyone has been as glad to qualify as I was. I ran from that hospital after my final shift. Now I understood.

Bella was her friend, she was having a little bit of revenge on me for leaving Bella pregnant.

I thought about what my father had said. It explained a lot. Bella had been waiting for a sperm donor. Not my type of sperm donation, the legitimate kind.

No doubt she had researched and found a clean and healthy man with good genes and I had spoiled her plans and impregnated her instead.

I still don't know how to feel.

If I ever wanted a child, I would want Bella to be its mother.

But I didn't want a child

And nobody was making me step up.

Bella was not even trying to.

She must know what an appalling person I am. I am not worthy to be a father and she knows it.

I hope our baby is okay, healthy and well. We do not have any genetically inheritable conditions that I know of.

I will do some research tonight and make sure.

I have always tested myself and have never had any STD.

My parents and I are healthy.

Wait a minute, has anyone factored in the fact that Bella is married?

Why isn't her husband pretending to be the father?

I have to know.

I have to talk to her.

I pulled out my phone and dialed her number. She had never answered any of my calls when I tried to ring her but I had refused to delete it.

"Edward."

Hmm, not surprised and not pleased.

"Bella. My parents inform me they will be visiting you this week."

"Yes."

"Bella, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you are a manwhore who hates kids and I mistook you for a registered sperm donor."

"Okay, all true. I still wish you had told me."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"So you could force me to have an abortion?"

"I would never force any woman to have an abortion."

"Rose told me, about the time Leah was late. You made her take the drugs to end the pregnancy."

"She was not pregnant to me. She wanted the drugs. She had purposely gotten pregnant to a rich man to force his hand and he had run. I warned her not to pull that trick on me, I would not marry her if she got pregnant to me now her main target had escaped her clutches. The abortion was completely her idea. It was not my problem. I just gave my patient what she asked for."

"Oh."

"I am not happy to sign away my parental rights."

"Why not?"

"Because, Bella. I have had a vasectomy, this will be the only child I can ever father."

"You have had a vasectomy?"

"It seemed the smart thing to do."

"To prevent situations like this."

"Well, yes. I have never wanted children, Bella. That is not a secret."

"Well, nobody is asking you to even see this one. Its my baby, Edward. I don't need you or want you involved. Please sign the papers."

"I need to think about it. Bella, I would like to pay child support. I know you didn't do this for the money."

"No, Edward. Definitely not, I do not want anything from you, ever. I am getting married, my husband will..."

I cut her off.

"You are getting married? You are married. Or did your husband die?"

"I never had a husband, Edward. If I had a husband I would have had a baby with him, not a sperm donor."

"Bella, part of the reason I never rang you again was because it disturbed me that you were married."

"Edward, it doesn't matter. I didn't want to be one of the many mares in your stables. I have never shared a man willingly. The reason my engagement broke up was because my fiancé got another woman pregnant. That's why I invented a husband for myself. I have no desire to ever trust any man and that includes you. Rose and Alice have told me details about your whoring around. Did you really think I would want to be part of that?"

"You are right. You are better off not being my friend. I am sorry, though. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was worthy of being your baby's father."

"You could change, Edward. It's way too late for us and no, I don't want you involved in my child's life, but you could change. For yourself. For some woman you could meet and want to marry in the future. Just because you never met her yet, doesn't mean she won't come along one day."

"I have never had feelings for any woman but you, Bella. It scared me to death. I couldn't change for you so there's no chance I could change for a possible other woman."

"That's your choice, Edward. Wouldn't you like to be a better man for yourself? Wouldn't you like to respect yourself? One day when this baby is an adult, it might seek you out. What sort of man do you want him or her to find? Some sad old man who whored his way through life and never had a meaningful relationship? Or a man who made mistakes and had the guts to stop what he was doing and change? Think about your own father. How would you like to find out he had spent his life whoring around? Never caring what you thought of him? Never being able to say you were proud he was your father?"

I listened to what she said.

It was too late for us but I had a child about to be born and it could well look for me in the future. How would I feel, having to tell that person how unworthy I was to be their father?

"Would you consider letting me keep my rights for a little while if I am trying to change? If I gave up womanizing, would you maybe let me see the child one day?"

"I don't know, Edward. Would you swear not to try to gain custody, ever? I don't want you to be able to take the baby away from me. That is why I am marrying Seth. So the child is legally his."

"Don't you love Seth? Wait, is this Seth Clearwater we are talking about? You know he tried to hit on me?"

"I am fully aware Seth is gay, yes. I have known him all my life, he is one of my best friends."

"Alice and Rose know about the baby don't they? Rose made my life a misery at work. Worst shifts ever. Called me in all hours of the night after I had done a 48 hour shift to confirm someone had a nose bleed or a cold. Gave me the hobos with the body lice and maggots in their hair then told me to wash them myself if it offended me. She tried to kill me, I swear."

"Well, she did know, it was that night at her place I found out I was pregnant."

"Oh. The night I ran away like a frightened little girl?"

"Yes, you remember. It was also the night I found out you were not the sperm donor and were a player. I almost decided to have an abortion, Edward. It all seemed too fucked up and hard."

"I wouldn't have blamed you if you had."

Sadly I realized, had I known back then she was pregnant and having an abortion, I would have been relieved.

"Well, it was Jasper who pointed out it was my child too. And that I had as much right to keep it as you had to insist I got rid of it."

"I can't believe I never got the slightest hint from them. Alice and Rose were always gossiping. I can't believe nobody ever heard them talking about you being pregnant to me."

"I lied to them, Edward. They think I miscarried. I think Rose really thinks I had a termination. She was very supportive and understanding. She knows you the best and she did not want me to have a child with you."

"I deserve that. God, Bella. Can I just see you one time? Before the birth, if you are determined to never let me see the child. Could I please come with my parents this week? I will come, no matter what you say, but is there any chance you would let me see you just once?"

"Edward, what is the point? We hardly know each other."

"And what you know of me, you hate. I understand."

"I don't hate you. I hate your lifestyle, your choices. There's nothing about you that I hate that you can't change."

"I am so sorry for being who I am. I have never felt ashamed of myself until this moment, Bella.I wish I was someone else, or at least, dead. So you could make up a wonderful, deserving father to tell your baby about."

"There are wonderful things about you, Edward. The night we were together, you were so nice to me and the next day when we went to the beach, and to your meadow. Those memories are things I can tell the baby about."

"Maybe not the night, Bella."

"Maybe not the night, Edward. But I remember and cherish that memory. We conceived a child together."

"I know when it happened, do you?"

"In the meadow."

"In the meadow."

"I just know."

"So do I."

"The butterfly."

"Yes, the butterfly."

"Can I please see you, Bella"

"Okay, here is the deal. You can visit me anytime, including this week, so long as you have not been whoring around."

"How will you know?"

"I won't know, Edward. You will."

"You trust me?"

"Yes, I think I do. Until you prove untrustworthy, I will trust your word. You can fly up any weekend but you have to have not had random sex. If you begin a proper relationship, of course you can have sex with her and her alone. But any whoring and you have to promise you will ring and tell me you can't make it that weekend. Then you can try again for the next weekend. So it will be one week at a time. And you will know, Edward. Our child and I will trust you."

"I really don't want you to marry Seth. I won't take the baby. Let me get the papers written up. I will give up my right to have sole custody or to have the child live with me, so long as you are alive and able to care for it."

"Okay, that's fair."

'In return, please, please don't marry Jake. Not like this. Not knowing it would never be a real marriage. I don't want my child growing up in that sort of fake relationship."

"Fair enough. I won't marry Seth."

"Thank you, Bella. Thank you for trusting me. I am going to try really hard. Once the baby is born I will carry a photo of it around and look at it whenever I get the urge to bag some woman."

"Thank you, Edward. I know you will try your best. I will give you the 3D scan photos and you can look at them and carry them with you, in the mean time."

"Is it a boy or a girl, Bella?"

"What would you like it to be, Edward?"

"Healthy, happy, and beautiful like you."

"Well, I am hoping it has your looks, Edward."

"And your goodness and soul, Bella."

"I don't know the gender, Edward. The doctor wrote it down. It's in an envelope here on Phil's desk. Do you want to know?"

"I do. I want to know everything about it."

"Then when you come this week, we can open it together."

"Thank you, Bella."

"Now you just have to qualify to be able to visit me."

"Oh, I will, Bella. Starting this moment. No sex outside of a meaningful relationship."

"Try your best, Edward. I know you can do it. We know you can do it."

"I have to go, Bella, I have a practice nurse I need to sack before she even starts."

"Leah?"

"Leah. No point having temptation looking me in the face all day every day. I will find a nice, middle aged married woman who treats me with the contempt I deserve."

"Good boy. You can do this, Edward."

"I will see you Thursday, Bella. Goodbye for now."

"Goodbye Edward. I am glad you rang."

Thursday finally arrived. I had manged to not even think of having sex with anyone at all, I was that excited at the thought of seeing Bella again. Just that one conversation over the phone had charged up my determination to be a better man for my child. I hoped and prayed the baby was a girl. I didn't want a son who would take after me. Then I thought about my daughter growing up and being abused by men like myself and I started leaning more towards wanting a boy.

Esme and Carlisle met me at the airport and we boarded the plane and sat together in First Class.

I was unable to settle and sit still. I had not been this excited about anything since I was a small boy waiting for Santa.

When the plane landed, I was first off then had to wait for my parents, but we finally got in a cab and went straight to Bella's mothers house.

Bella opened the door and I smiled the widest smile I had in months.

She looked so beautiful and radiant. I actually gasped at seeing her, after all this time. I had truly forgotten how beautiful she is. And her gently swollen belly filled me with joy. I had not expected that. I thought I would be horrified to know I had done that to her, no matter how unintentionally but I felt proud and happy knowing it was my baby swelling her belly.

I wanted to touch it. I wondered if there was any way she would let me. I introduced my parents to her and followed them all inside. Bella introduced us in turn to Renee. She was a lovely woman and I could see Bella had taken after her in some ways. Her coloring was more Charlie's but her heart shaped face and tiny build was definitely from Renee.

We all drank tea and coffee and ate small, neat sandwiches and I never took my eyes off Bella. She blushed each time she caught me looking at her, which was, every time she looked my way.

Renee suggested to my parents maybe they would like to see her garden, they had been discussing Esme's garden at home, so they left us alone.

"Bella, thank you for letting me come today"I said.

"I am glad you qualified" she said with an evil grin.

"Nothing would be tempting enough to spoil my chances of getting to see you. How are you? You look amazing."

She blushed again, naturally and smiled back at me.

"I feel fine. The baby kicks me a lot now but not so much at night. I get plenty of sleep, I can drop off asleep in minutes and not move a muscle all night so thats good."

She rubbed her belly as she spoke.

"Is it kicking now?" I asked.

"Do you want to feel it, Edward?" she asked, unsure.

"Of course. May I?"

I edged up closer and she placed my hand over to one side and I felt a small foot push against me.

I was amazed, this was my child, my only child.

I looked up in wonder at Bella and she was crying silently.

"Bella, it will be okay, I promise. I will never try to come between you and this child. I know it is yours and you want it, I shall never interfere."

"Thats not why I am crying, Edward."

"Why then?"

"Because you have tears running down your cheeks."

I felt my face and was surprised she was right.

"Bella, this little baby is our miracle. I have been blind and stupid and I purposely threw away my chances of having children because I thought it was more important to be able to fuck random women without consequences. I cannot tell you how deeply I regret my decision."

"What will you do? Can it be reversed?"

"Do you think there will ever be a time, the slightest chance, that you would want to have another baby of mine? If you say yes, I will book myself in for a reversal tomorrow."

"I can't promise you that, you need to do this for yourself. I always assumed if I was lucky enough to be blessed with one baby, that would be all I could ask for."

"I want to do it in case you ever want our child to have a sibling. I am going to book in. I know the best surgeon."

"Your father?"

"Absolutely. I broke my mothers heart when I told her what I had done. Your phone call was a Godsend. She has not stopped smiling since she found out. She has furnished a nursery already in their house and has bought enough clothes and toys for 100 babies."

"It sounds like a pretty traumatic operation, a reversal. They do the vasectomy with the intention it cannot be reversed, you know."

"And I wanted that at the time. I was so immature and stupid and I am so sorry. All I can think about now is you and our baby. And how lucky I am."

"I cannot believe I have moved this far away out of fear of what you would insist I do if you found out I was pregnant."

"I am truly ashamed to know you thought that of me, even more so because I know I would have wanted you to terminate had I known early. I am such a bastard, even I know that."

"But now? You are okay with it?With the baby?"

"I am so thrilled beyond words. This week the entire earth tilted on its axis and things just changed for me. I want you and I want our child. I know I cannot have either but I will never give up hope.

I will do everything I can, everything in my power, to change your mind about me. I know I do not deserve a second chance but I am going to work my hardest to prove to you, I am going to get there. I am going to strive long and hard to be a better person."

"Realistically though, you were having sex daily, often several times a day, with several different women. Can you just stop?"

"I am ashamed you know that about me. I have resorted to a little self love shall we say, and I have just about run out the water in my shower. My libido has not yet lessened much, but I will get used to this.

I have no problem remembering our times together to, ah, help things along."

She blushed at this. I still had my hand on her stomach and she had not tried to move it away. Her own hand was still lying on top of mine.

"I want you to stay with me tonight, Edward. I just need to feel a warm body beside me. I feel so darn cold and lonely in bed alone."

To say her words shocked me is grossly under rating it.

"I would be so honored to spend the night in your bed. I promise I will not try anything. I will think of naked old men or something and make sure no part of me gets any ideas" I promised.

The others returned inside and we talked about the baby and the future. Bella had no firm plans. Renee was vocal in expressing how much she wanted Bella to stay living here with her and Phil after the baby was born.

I hoped desperately that she would come back and live at least near me, if not with me. I couldn't help wanting her. The connection we had started to feel that day in the meadow was back and stronger than ever. What sort of idiot was I, putting a house before this beautiful woman? She could never hurt me as much as I had hurt myself and hurt her in the process. To be honest, in her shoes I would have left me sitting outside in my car, not invited me into bed for the night.

When Esme and Carlisle got up to leave, Bella spoke up.

"Edward is staying here with me for the night."

Renee looked a little shocked and wary, as she should.

"It's not like he can get me more pregnant, Mother and we have spent the night together before."

"But you thought he was a completely different person."

"I did, and this time I am choosing him for himself, for who he is. For the Edward he showed me that next day. That is who I am inviting into my bed. That is who is sitting here with me."

Esme cried tears of joy. I really hoped she wasn't getting carried away and planning a wedding because I knew Bella would never want me like that, and who could blame her.

I would treasure every second of this one night.

It would probably be all I ever got from her and I was nervous even now that she would come to her senses and change her mind. If so, I would sleep down here on the couch. I would not argue with any decision she made.

My parents left to go to the hotel they had booked into and Renee made dinner for four. Phil arrived home and he was very unsure about the whole sleeping in Bella's bed idea.

"I am 26, not 16. It is my choice" insisted Bella.

After some uneasy tension, Phil gave in.

We decided to go up to bed soon after cleaning up the kitchen.

Renee kissed us both goodnight, Phil kissed Bella and glared at me from his chair in front of the television. I felt compelled to speak to him so I told Bella I would follow her up in a minute and asked to have a quiet word with just Phil.

"Come on, Bella. I will make sure there's a clean towel in the bathroom for Edward" said Renee as she accompanied her daughter upstairs.

"I know you don't like me or approve of me and believe me, neither do I. But Bella trusts me and I promise, I will never do anything to hurt her again or abuse her trust. I have issues I need to sort out and the fact that Bella supports me makes me actually hope I can be the man she deserves, some day.

I am sure you know, I did not intend to make her pregnant and I did not know she was, until Monday. I will not pretend I would have come running to her sooner. Had I known earlier. All I can promise is, from this day forward, I will always put Bella's needs ahead of my own. And no matter what Bella insists on, my child will inherit everything I own. I may have to spend years convincing her this is the right thing, but I will do it."

Phil put his hand out and shook mine firmly.

"Actions, not words, are what impress me, young man. Prove me wrong, please. I see a man who is too far ingrained in his murky past and unsavory ways. Prove me wrong and make me proud to say so."

"I shall do that, Phil. I promise."

He handed me an envelope.

"Is this...."

"Bella said the two of you were going to open it together." He handed me a small stack of 3D scan photos and the smile on my face would have lit up the entire town.

"Goodnight, sir. I will look after her. In any way she allows."

I rushed upstairs to find Bella in bed and Renee fussing around straightening things that didn't need straightening.

"Goodnight, Mother. Sleep well" said Bella firmly and Renee smiled at me and went back downstairs.

I sat on the bed and handed Bella the envelope.

She grinned at me and patted the area of the bed right beside her, inviting me closer. I moved up and sat like her, with my back against the headboard and she slowly opened the flap of the envelope.

She handed the enclosed slip of paper to me and I held it where we would both see as I opened it up.

Both of us spoke a single word together.

"Girl".

I could not stop grinning. A girl. I wanted a girl so much because when I thought about what I had to do, I knew having a daughter would make it easier for me. I could start to look at women and see them as someone's daughters. Someone who would not want a man like I have been, messing with them.

"Bella, are you happy?Were you hoping for a girl?"

"I am happy. I was sure it was a boy. I have pictured it in my head as a mini you."

"Heaven forbid" I sighed.

I got off the bed and walked into her bathroom and changed, as in, stripped down to my boxers. I had not imagined for one second she would invite me to stay so I hadn't thought to bring my bag in. Anyway it was just the one night and she had seen me in less.

I washed up and walked back to her bed.

"Are you sure you want me to sleep here?" I checked again."I can sleep downstairs on the couch. I truly will do whatever you want."

"I want you here with me."

"Okay then."

I climbed into her bed and put my arm around her shoulders. I handed her the photos and we looked at them together. Admired our little daughter and looked at her little heart shaped face.

She looked like a mini Bella.

A beautiful angel.

**Please review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own these characters or anything Twilight except all the loot my husband buys me.**

Can I just say, I did not expect this story to be so popular so I may not be able to keep updating every 10 reviews at some point. I am halfway thru Chapter 12 at the moment. I want to make you hate and love my characters .So don't relax at any point.

The Mistake

Chapter 6

Coming Together And Falling Apart.

EDWARD'S POV

Laying in Bella's bed with my body spooned protectively around hers was too precious to sleep through so I spent the night gazing at her sleeping face. Her belly would move now and then as my daughter changed position or kicked her mother.

I talked quietly to the baby and wondered if I would ever get to hold her. I was sure now Bella would let me see her but how involved would I be able to be?

I knew it was mainly down to my own behavior and that Bella would accept that I was trying, but I had to do better than try, I had to succeed.

One major problem was, some of my ex women were not taking what I said seriously. When I told Leah I didn't have a job for her at my new clinic after all, she simply refused to listen to reason and said, as I had already hired her, she would take me to court over unfair dismissal.

I didn't know what to do. She had me over a barrel and if I had to work with her, at some point I would weaken and have her over a couch.

I had to get away from her.

Several of my fuckbuddies I had hooked up with regularly in the past had approached me earlier this week, looking to make new arrangements now I was working regular hours, and although I told them all I would not be seeing them again, now or in the future, they simply laughed and dismissed what I said, assuming I was drunk or joking. Nobody but Bella was on my side and I greatly feared what would happen when I went back to Seattle. Without her there to encourage me on and help me work through this, I felt destined to failure.

I would miss her terribly now I had gotten to spend another night with her. A chaste night of friendship only but touching her warm body, having it beside mine, was enough.

I do not sleep well alone and often resorted to visiting one of my hookups just for the warmth and closeness of a warm female body. That had to stop.

I started to try to work out ways to overcome the temptations and lessen the odds.

If only Bella would come back with me. If she did, if she lived with me and slept in my bed, even chastely, I would be able to fight my demons.

But I knew she did not want to go back to Seattle.

Then it struck me...I would stay here.

I could open a practice here. If she wouldn't come to me, I could come to her.

It wasn't as if I had opened my doors to my new clinic back home. I could get another doctor to take over the practice but still own it myself in case we ever went back.

We.

All I knew was, I would fight until my dying day to get Bella back.

I wanted us to be a couple, more than anything else in the world. More than owning my house. More than living near my parents and friends.

Another benefit was, I had never slept with a single woman in Phoenix so Bella would never have to be embarrassed running into old hook ups of mine.

It was like being a drug addict and moving far away from your dealers.

It would make things way harder to repeat my mistakes because I would have to seek out new sex partners and I would be aware of what I was doing. No falling into bed with anyone out of habit.

No women who knew me already and made it too easy and tempting by being always available and willing. I would be among strangers.

It could be a new start for me and eventually, for Bella and I, if that was was she wanted.

I could hardly wait for her to wake up and hear my plans.

I thought about who to get to run my Seattle practice. Rosalie Hale seemed like the obvious choice. I knew she wanted to set up her own clinic, just lack of funds was stopping her. She could get in a partner, maybe Alice Brandon, and pay me rent and it would be a start for them that they could afford.

Once they became fully booked and made a good profit they could buy me out or set up a practice of their own.

When Bella woke up, I smiled at her and excitedly explained my new ideas. She agreed immediately, and saw it as the obvious course of action to avoid temptation.

I didn't want to return to Seattle at all. I could ask my mother to pack my clothes and have them sent here to me. She would be able to pack up everything I would need, my certificates, my equipment,

I did want my car, though.

I could get one of the other doctor friends of mine to live in my house. Or maybe Emmett or Jasper would be willing, if Alice and Rose agreed. It was a massive house, plenty of room for two couples.

I rang Rose after breakfast and spelled everything out to her. She was tempted, I could tell. But she was pretty disbelieving that Bella had agreed to this and she wanted to come talk to her. I told her I would talk to Bella and get back to her later. I told her Bella was still pregnant and that I was going to be there for her and the baby, even if not as Bella's partner.

She was shocked at both pieces of news. I told her I needed tenants for my house as well and asked her to see if Alice and Jasper wanted to share with them, she was getting excited at the thought of living in that house she had visited many times and adored.

I hoped one day, in the distant future, that Bella and I would end up living together in that house but if it were even possible, it was years down the track.

By lunchtime it was all tentatively agreed but Rose and Alice both wanted to talk to Bella face to face.

It was Bella herself who came up with the solution. She would fly back with us on Monday and help me pack up what I needed then we would drive back here, making it into a road trip.

That would give us several days alone, and time and space to get reconnected and spend time together without others censure.

Rose agreed completely when I told her what we were doing and she immediately put in her notice at the hospital and started taking over organizing the new premises. She agreed to keep Leah on and save me the possibility of being sued. I didn't care at all where Leah worked, so long as it was nowhere near me.

Alice also agreed to go into the practice with Rose so she too, put in her notice, and went to inspect her new domain, immediately hating the color scheme and organizing a new paint job over the old neutral one, that was almost still wet on the walls. But that was Alice for you.

By the time we met them there Tuesday after spending the night together at my parents house, Alice's rooms were a dusky rose pink and her furniture all cream. Her curtains and patient modesty sheets were all floral, and small matching scatter cushions adorned the examination table, giving it a more homely feel. They looked more like rooms in an upmarket classy hotel than a doctor's office, but Alice maintained it would make her patients relax in a non clinical atmosphere.

Rose had roped in my mother to decorate her rooms and now everything was pale blue and white.

The actual waiting area had beautiful leather couches and easy chairs, a tv in the corner, kids play area, reception desk splitting the room across the middle. It was like walking into maybe a famous plastic surgeons rooms, not your average family G.P.'s offices.

They had decided to open it as a Women's Health Clinic rather than the general practice I had intended. It was a good idea, there was not another in the area or for quite a distance.

I was so happy that all my loose ends were being tied off and freeing me to be away from here for at least as many years as it took for everyone to have moved on with their own lives and forgotten all about me and my nasty reputation. And I was glad Phoenix was far enough away for no-one them to know any of my dirty secrets.

Bella and my parents had bonded instantly and they already loved her like a daughter. Esme and Bella had gone off to look for baby dresses now we knew the gender, they wanted a shopping trip to buy all pink and frilly.

Leah of course, turned up after Bella left and was determined to get one last fuck from me but I made sure Rose was with me all the time and a frustrated Leah ended up leaving in a huff.

I could have easily slipped away for the brief time it would have taken for one last goodbye fuck but I could not do that after my promise to Bella.

My body was turned on just at the thought of ravishing Leah, although it was truly nothing personal, anyone could get me hard at the moment, in this sexual desert. I had never gone without sex for long, during my residency there had been a few dry spells simply from exhaustion but I had made up for it soon after and fucked a variety of women, ten or more sometimes, in a single week.

I had fuckbuddies in every area of the hospital other than the one I worked in so sex was always available to me.

This had made my addiction so easy to feed constantly. I had been like a kid in a candy store that gave its wares away for free.

I myself did not understand what these women were thinking. Why did they let men like me use them and never even hold a decent conversation with them? I am sure, if I was a woman, I would want to be in a committed relationship before allowing any man access to my body.

That night, after we had eaten dinner and gone up to the bedroom Bella and I were sharing, still on a platonic level, Bella said she needed to have a serious talk with me.

She wanted to make sure I was making this choice to move to Phoenix of my own free will and not to just pursue her.

She still did not think she would want a relationship with me, at least not for a long time yet, maybe years. She needed me to admit, I would not be willing or able to live like a monk for that time and anyway, she wanted to see me prove I could have a relationship with one single woman and stay faithful to her before she even considered dating me.

She said she knew it was a risk on her part, if this other woman managed to capture my heart, there may never be a chance for us anyway.

I was disturbed at the thought of having to date and maybe live with a woman other than Bella but realistically, I knew there was no way I could live without regular sex. What I needed to learn was how to just have this sex with one woman and she had to be a woman I respected. I had to relate to her on all levels, I had to date her, take her out for dinner, buy her flowers, ring her and talk to her properly. It was a massive learning curve for me. I have literally never dated.

I have never taken a woman out unless it was just for show, to some hospital event, gala, charity ball, and even then, I had my eye on the main prize, I only took women I knew would make the night out worth my while. I was not there for their company, I was there because I had to be and I was always anticipating the end of the night.

I knew now how deplorable my behavior had been.

I remembered the last gala ball. I had taken Leah, for obvious reasons. I wasn't in the mood to be charming or having to work for my reward, I knew Leah would fuck me six ways from Sunday once we got back to her place then I could flee as usual.

During the dinner I had excused myself to go to the men's room and on the way out, a tasty looking blond had walked past and smiled that all knowing smile, inviting me to follow her into the ladies room, where I lifted her onto a vanity, pulled on a condom and was inside her within minutes. It was only when I came that I realized I had not spoken a single word to her, much less asked her what her name was.

I had slipped out, of her, the condom and the bathroom, grinning and gone back to eat my dessert. Leah had slapped me a high five and I knew she knew.

That was the thing, even Leah, my most regular buddy, had no expectations of me. She had never requested that on these occasions, I only sleep with her, for instance.

BELLA'S POV

As much as I wanted to trust Edward, I knew there was really only a tiny chance he would be able to obey the rules and so, in fairness, I hoped he would meet a woman he could have a relationship with quickly. He had such a large sexual appetite, there was no way he could just remain celibate.

I did not trust him near enough to begin a relationship with him myself. I was not going to set myself up again to be cheated on and being with Edward would be guaranteeing just that. He had to learn to work with women, and even if they wanted him, he had to learn to resist them.

He had a long, bumpy road to travel and I refuse to be a victim if he fails and falls by the wayside.

It was a pity Rose had never dated him, she would have slapped him into line in no time at all.

The baby meant I would have to have a relationship of some sort with him, seeing he had done a complete change of heart and longed to know her, but I could not let him destroy me in the process.

I would support and encourage him, but I would not be sucked into loving him.

We packed up all his stuff, I was fascinated by his house, it was amazing. Could I see myself ever living there? I don't know. I guess the fact that I found it hard to picture Edward and I as a real couple, ever, made it hard to imagine living with him. But the house was gorgeous. It just needed a woman's touch, as Esme had warned me. It was decorated very "Men Only" at the moment. Edward seemed almost ashamed and embarrassed for some reason when he first showed me his house. I asked him to explain and he told me about his mentor Aro and ex wife and how it was the purchase of this house that stopped him contacting me again.

I guess at least I have an explanation.

Edward has yet to have legal papers drawn up so I asked we set that in motion before we leave, so he suggested instead, the trip home would give us time to decide exactly what terms and conditions we needed to include.

I wanted to be the primary caregiver of the baby and for Edward to have regular non custodial access.

How and when and how often, we would discuss.

He insisted the baby would be inheriting everything he owned and pointed out, it would most likely not be for 50 years or more so I would have plenty of time to come to terms with that.

He also wanted me to accept child support as he wanted our child to have the best of everything so I suggested we compromise and he pay for things such as her education so she could go to good schools which would be too expensive for me to provide her with,

It was surprising how we could negotiate and compromise when it came to our daughter, nothing turned into the argument I had expected. I realized we both wanted what was best for her and that was what would make the two of us stay in constant touch over the years even if Edward failed, or if he moved on with someone else.

I was torn completely in two at the thought of him moving on. On one hand, it was what he needed and the only solution, on the other hand part of me still thought of him as mine.

I wished so much he could just flick a switch and become the faithful, loving, loyal man I so desperately wanted him to be but that was stupid and unrealistic. It would not happen that way and having him in my life for the next 18 years after he let me down and cheated on me would be far too painful.

However, I was considering firming up our bond before I threw him into some other woman's arms. Would it be so wrong for us to take care of each others sexual needs until he met this woman? I had not had sex since the conception and still had no intention of taking on random partners nor looking for a husband.

The up side would be, I would be there for him and keep him from temptation, he would be there for me and relieve the constant ache my ladies part felt .

The downside, he might hope and expect it to lead to us as a couple.

I decided it was down to us two alone, I would not be asking Alice or Rose for their opinions. Rose had already made it clear she was not happy I was still pregnant with Edward's child whereas Alice was so thrilled and delighted, she forgave me the lie I had told her. I wanted all four of my friends as Godparents or whatever they are called these days, as between them they would offer a balanced perspective of the world and I knew I could count on them to raise her if anything happened to us.

After we had an early dinner with Carlisle and Esme and Charlie, we got to sleep then rose and left at 5am the next morning. Carlisle had gone to the hospital on an emergency so Esme alone waved us off.

I drifted back to sleep for a couple of hours and awoke when Edward stopped to refuel and use the restroom and we grabbed some food to eat in the car.

I was awake and clearheaded and now seemed as good a time as any to raise my suggestion.

"Edward, I fully acknowledge you are doing it tough and you want to succeed and it will not work if you just grab the first woman you meet to start a relationship with, so I have a suggestion how to help you achieve your goal. To fulfill your needs while you get to meet and talk to women before choosing one that interests you outside the bedroom."

"Okay, I am listening. Are you bending the rules?"

"No. Firstly, when were you last tested?"

"I test myself weekly, and am still doing so just to be doubly sure, but all my tests are clear. I have never had an infection or STD. I have almost always used condoms. I have never had sex with a stranger without them, other than you. I cannot even explain why I didn't with you."

"If you had attempted to, we would have realized neither of us where who we thought." I reminded him."

"Yes, and we wouldn't be here now" he added.

I knew he had feelings for me, just did not know how strong they were.

"So, my idea. I would like it if you were able to, um, relieve my tension and thus relieve your own, until you do find a woman to date. Would you want that?"

He was silent for a moment. I could see him wanting to jump to immediately agreeing but then, he realized what it would mean. The possibility we would bond more and then have to split up again.

"I don't know what to say. I would do anything to be with you again, but knowing it had an expiry date, I don't know that I could cope with that. Can I think about it?"

"Of course, I think its great, to be honest, that you didn't just immediately agree without thinking of the possible consequences. To us both."

We traveled in silence for a long time after that. I glanced at him regularly and could see he was struggling to come to a conclusion.

"Can I ask one question? Why do you want to do this, Bella? You are so determined we cannot be a couple, so why would you want to sleep with me?"

"I have several reasons. I selfishly want to strengthen our bond before you go to some other woman who probably will be far more attractive than myself, and a better partner for you, so this may be my very last chance of ever being with you and I do want that, to be with you again. And I, too, have needs, Edward. I may be better at keeping mine submerged and stifling them, but that doesn't mean I can ignore them completely, many days I just long to have a man inside me. And you are here and maybe willing?"

"Bella, what are your plans, long term? Are you going to sit by and watch me date this woman and keep tabs on my fidelity, then if I pass muster, ask me to give her up for you? Or are you also going to be dating and looking for another partner, one with less baggage and problems than I have?"

"At the moment, I do not plan to date anyone else. And I would never ask you to give her up for me, that would be your choice."

"So, you will just live in limbo?"

"In a way. I guess if a suitable man did come along, I may date but I will always put our daughter first."

"Okay, I need to think more."

We stopped at a motel as dusk fell and Edward booked us in for the night. When he returned to the car, he said the owner had recommended a local steakhouse so we went there for dinner and then back to the motel.

I was curious to see, had he booked us in separate rooms, or a double?

He pulled into a parking spot in front of one of the rooms and opened the car door for me, then opened the door to the room. I walked in. A double. But was he staying here with me or did he have a second room booked for himself?

I would go along with whatever he had decided.

He returned to the car wordlessly and got out our bags, placing mine on the floor next to the bed.

He then bid me good night and walked out, shutting the door behind him.

I guess I have my answer.

Room service delivered my breakfast to me even though I hadn't ordered it, so I assumed Edward had. He didn't join me, so I ate and then showered and washed my hair, then sat on the edge of my bed with the door open. The sunlight shone inside and so I let my hair air dry and just brushed it as it did so.

Edward finally knocked on the open door and asked if I was ready to go. When I said I was, he walked in and took my bag and put it in the trunk then opened the passenger door for me.

He had not spoken another word and I knew I had badly upset him. His face was drawn, his eyes had purple bags beneath them, and I would wager he had not slept a wink.

Had he gone to seek out a woman for the night? Or had he wrestled with my suggestion?

After a couple of hours, he pulled in to refuel and asked me if I wished to use the facilities or get food, so I walked inside and found the ladies room then sat at a table and waited for him to come in.

He sat down opposite me., his fingers tented together, his face still worried and maybe angry.

"Edward, are you going to tell me what is wrong?"

"Okay, fine. I feel like you want to use me and I have never been in that position before and it feels cheap and nasty and wrong. You want to use my body to relieve yours yet you plan to kick me out once you have decided I have met 'the right woman' even though you know I care about you, and will only come to care even more if we did this. You are simply asking if you can use me."

"Edward, there was something in it for you. The means to be able to be satisfied thus able to judge these women you will be meeting with a clear head, not clouded by lust."

" I will never feel what I feel for you, for another woman. You don't accept that but it is the truth. I am supposed to start a relationship knowing it is a test and a pantomime for your benefit. You will sit and judge me and what, give me points for how well I do? So, if I fail to reach a high enough standard, you just rule out any type of relationship between us, ever? And if I fall for this woman, you have so little feelings for me, you will just shrug your shoulders and move on, without a single regret?"

I thought about what he said. I guess I was being rather cold blooded.

"What did you do last night, Edward? You don't look like you slept."

"I didn't sleep, not one wink. I spent the whole night wrestling with the knowledge I am not good enough for you and you know it and I never will be so why am I even trying?"

"For yourself, for our child."

"No, Bella. If I do try it will be for you. 100% for you."

He looked deep into my eyes and I saw the pain and regret and hopelessness there. He had given up before the fight even started.

"You think I was with some random, don't you? You think I cannot even keep it in my pants while I am undergoing a crisis? You see me as such a lowlife and a loser. I don't understand why you even asked me to try and change. You have no faith in me at all. You said you did, but it is clear you have been saying what you think I need to hear, not what you believe."

We ate something and went back to the car. The rest of the drive, the car was filled with tension and I was glad when we arrived and he dropped me at Renee's then left to find a motel for himself. I knew better than to insist he stay here with me and I knew I had blown it.

He now saw me differently and he didn't like what he saw. I had fallen off my pedestal. I knew he had used women, but he had never been just an ends to a means before with someone he cared about. I had hurt him as deeply as he had hurt me. He had done it unknowingly, he had met me as a casual hook up, and had felt things he needed to explore then had run back into his shell, drawing up his drawbridge and returning to the safety of his earlier way of life.

I had lured him back out, made him drop some of his defenses. I had promised to be there for him, encouraged him to move here away from his family and friends, then more or less told him he would fail. Offered to be one of his hookups when he was fighting against that very thing, and I had reduced myself in his eyes. Plus I had exposed my low opinion of him and how little I really expected him to win.

I sat on my bed and felt the tears pour down my face. What had I done? I am sure I have driven him away and I wont be surprised if he just goes back to Seattle and resumes his life there.

The week passed slowly. Renee and Phil looked at me with worried eyes and tried to cheer me up.

There was no word from Edward.

**Please leave a review, Thank you for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

The Mistake

Chapter 7.

EDWARD'S POV

Every morning when I first awoke, memories of my dreams would put a smile on my face as I revisited my meadow with Bella but then, reality would kick in and I would recall where we stood now.

I had found a clinic to join, the interview had gone well and I was waiting to hear if the three partners had accepted me. I had to find a place to live, this motel was certainly not my idea of my new home.

I yawned and stretched and ignored my morning wood. Tough luck, fella, get used to it. You will not be seeing any action for a long time yet.

My phone rang and for just a minute, my spirits lifted and my heart held hope. I looked at the caller id. Esme. Not the woman I was hoping to hear from.

"Hello, mom."

"Edward, how are things going? Any progress? What are your plans?"

"I did an interview, maybe have a place to work in a clinic here, I expect to hear back today. I will let you know."

"Have you spoken to Bella?"

"No, I know I have to but I am still reeling. I never expected an offer like that to come out of her mouth."

"I am sure she was just looking for a way to make it easier for you, to give you a way to cope. Think of it that way. If she didn't care for you, she wouldn't even suggest you try to change. She would never have contacted me if she really didn't want you to know about the baby, Edward. Don't be too harsh on her."

"I just can't believe she thinks its okay for her and I to, uh, be together until I meet someone else. The way I see things, either we try and become a couple and commit ourselves to doing what is best for the baby or we keep our lives separate and only meet to hand the baby back and forward. I was even willing to try and improve myself and become a better man so we could eventually be together. This ridiculous arrangement she has offered is ludicrous."

"I can see both sides, sweetheart. I think you have to be realistic, can you simply stop seeing women? Go back to how you were before, pre puberty? Its a big ask.'

"I know, but I have never tried before. How do we know I would fail if I don't try?"

"Edward, you are such a strong person, I am sure you can do anything you put your mind to, but this would be the biggest challenge of your life. I am on your side. If you decide to try, don't forget, you will be working to become a man Bella can choose to be with, and a man your child can be proud of, and I am already proud of you but I would love to know I could be prouder, could know you overcame this challenge."

"Well, I need to think and plan and find a house to live in so I will call you later."

I showered and dressed and was about to leave when the phone rang again.

"Edward Cullen."

"Dr Cullen, this is Dr Yorkie. We would like to offer you a place here at our clinic. All three partners are in agreement and if things work out, we would be open to you buying in as a partner. We thought maybe a months trial?See if its what we all want? We are hoping you can start next Monday, four days from now. Would that suit?"

"Yes, of course, thank you Dr Yorkie."

"Eric. See you Monday, then, Edward."

I left the motel and found a letting agent and went through his houses to rent. Nothing appealed to me then he asked if I had any interest in buying a place.

I hadn't considered it but maybe that was a better plan. Renee and Phil lived here, it could work out for the best if I had a house here, whether I always lived here permanently or not.

We searched through houses for sale and I found a couple I liked and we went to view. The first house needed too much work, the second was too small but the third was my kind of house.

A loft upstairs, lots of glass, almost brand new, the owners had just got it finished when their work required them to move overseas unexpectedly, so they were selling it fully furnished with its brand new furniture and that suited me fine.

We agreed on a price and went back to the office to get things going.

As they had to leave in two days time, things were rushed through and they agreed to rent the house to me until settlement so I could move in this weekend.

I drove back to the house and parked outside and walked around the neighborhood. It had a large open park behind the house, sports fields further down the road, and a small shopping center within walking distance. The clinic was a five minute drive, and a large, newish school was in the next street. I watched the small children playing in the playground until the bell went and they scuttled inside. I still couldn't believe I would have a small child like them in years to come. It was mind boggling enough that I would soon be father to a baby but she would be a real person who grew and started school, and went on dates...

I shook my head.

'Stop panicking, you have sixteen plus years to get in a place where you have to accept that.'

She would be well warned about boys, that was for sure.

I turned to wander back to my car and took a wrong turn and frowned as I walked down this street. It looked familiar. A few houses further, I found myself standing in front of Phil and Renee's house. I hadn't realized it was so close.

Taking courage in both hands, I walked up to the door and knocked.

I saw the curtain twitch and Renee's face light up in a smile at the sight of me.

I was welcome, anyway.

"Bella, get the door, will you?"I heard Renee call.

I waited and tried not to sweat too much. She could just slam the door in my face.

"Edward" she yelped in surprise.

"Hello, Bella. Can we talk?"

"Ah, sure. Come on in."

"Hello, Edward" said Renee, walking up and kissing my cheek.

I was a little surprised

"I have to pop out so you can keep Bella company" she said, grabbing her keys and heading for the still open door.

Bella led the way to the couch in the sitting room and we sat beside each other, not touching.

"So, Edward, how have you been?"

"We need to talk and small talk is not what I mean. We need to sort this mess out."

"Okay. I apologize for making you angry and hurting you. I didn't mean it in that way at all. I want you to succeed and its true, I do doubt whether you can change as much as I hope, I was just looking for a way to help."

"I can see that but your lack of faith really hurt me. I know I have no reason to expect you to have any faith in me at all, but I want you to. So much."

Bella moved closer and reached for my hand.

I clasped her hand in mine and kissed her knuckles.

"When I am with you, it doesn't seem like I have much to fight against at all. I want to do this for you but I really don't think me being with another woman is the way."I confessed.

"Then what is the answer, Edward?"

"I don't know but they don't give alcoholics who want to quit low alcohol beer to wean them away from stronger drinks."

"They do give heroin addicts methadone." she pointed out.

"What is the answer?" I implored her.

"I wish I knew. Maybe you are right, maybe you need to try cold turkey and see if you can do it."

"With you by my side, I can do anything. I bought a house today."

I decided we needed to lighten up, now we were talking again.

"Really, where?"

"Its two streets that way, I think. I walked to the park then the kids school and then I took the wrong cross street back."

"What is the name of the street?Do you know?"

"How could I forget. Honeysuckle Lane."

"Wow, Edward. That street is new and has some seriously beautiful houses."

"Do you want to walk back with me?I can show you through the house. The owners are leaving for India in two days time so they are there packing. I bought their furniture so we can stay out of their way."

We walked back and Bella showed me how to cut through the park so we were back at my house in minutes.

The owners were happy for us to walk through while they carried the last few boxes to their van.

Bella explored each room and cried out in delight at the designer kitchen.

Downstairs were two bedroom and bathrooms, a study, a large open room that would become my music room, a sitting room, formal dining room, and the kitchen was open and clean with stainless steel appliances and splash backs. The benches were black marble and the cupboard doors black and gray marble effect,the whole effect was stunning. The floor tiles were black and shiny. The eating area had a breakfast bar and a glass topped metal table with four black leather slung chairs.

In the sitting room, the furniture was all black leather, and chrome and glass. It was all very elegant but it needed the personal touches that would make it a home.

A black baby grand piano would fill the music room, they had simply furnished it with beanbags and their music system so it was now empty.

The loft bedroom upstairs was overlooking the entry hall and sitting room, and featured a large, modern black bed with bedside tables to match. The walk in closets were very his and hers and both led then to a large bathroom with a tub, shower recess, two vanity sinks, and a toilet in its own room. The tiles were all black except the line of feature tiles that had silver and pink orchid design and it really gave the room a softening touch.

Bella was already suggesting accessories I should get, pink glass vases for on the vanities, rugs to lighten and warm up the entry way.

She liked my house.

I offered to take her to lunch and she readily agreed, still caught up in ideas how I could add my own touches, so I said maybe we could visit a few shops and see if we could find the things she had suggested I buy.

I was happy, managing to keep her with me for a few hours, as we scoured the stores for pink lamps and glass vases and rugs and the like. Bella was very sure about what would or would not go.

The floor rug for the entry grabbed us both as soon as we hit the store. It was basic black background with swirls of gray, pinks, and some white. It gave an impression of prettiness without being girlie so we didn't need to look further.

Loaded with purchases, I went to the car and stowed them in the trunk, then opened the passenger door for Bella. We went to a small organic restaurant as Bella was doing her best to eat healthily for the baby so I figured I could survive one salad lunch but was surprised at the range of food on offer and ended up enjoying the meal far more than I expected.

Bella was buoyed up and talkative and she smiled and laughed throughout the meal and I loved just watching her and being in her company.

For her, I could do this.

If there was the slightest possibility she would ever want me, I could walk through hell and back.

I reluctantly took her back to Renee's house.

That weekend, Bella and I decorated with our little touches and the house looked much more inviting once we finished. I used a magnet to hold the scan photos of the baby on the fridge but I planned to have them framed so they could sit on the display case in the sitting room.

Maybe I should have them enlarged?

I picked up on Bella's excitement and almost went a step too far. I was really wanting to ask her to move in with me, as a house mate, friend, whatever, but I had the feeling it would upset her and be a step backwards so I played it by ear and just made sure she knew she was welcome to come here any time, including when I was at work. I handed her the spare key to the front door.

She smiled but hesitated before accepting it.

"Edward, I don't know..."

"Bella, what if there is an emergency? What if the vases don't really match and I need you to whisk them away before the rest of the décor notices? Or I leave the cat inside? You wouldn't want a poor cat locked inside all day?"

"Okay, you win. But I have yet to meet your cat, where is he?"

"He is of the invisible kind, if you are lucky you may see his grin now and then but mainly he is completely invisible." I joked. Anything to make her put that key in her pocket. Baby steps.

Monday I started at the clinic and properly met the other two partners, Hugh and Emily. Both from Australia, they were married and lived in the same neighborhood as I did.

I invited them all to my place the next Saturday for my house warming party.

This meant another reason Bella would visit and it would be a chance to introduce her to my fellow workers. The practice nurse was a large, Irish lady of middle age, named Siobhan and she kept the clinic running like clockwork. The receptionist was a young girl named Bree who giggled a little too much and tried to flirt with all us male doctors. We all rolled our eyes at each other at her blatant efforts to land herself a doctor. Any doctor.

To me, she was just a silly child so I had no temptations at all in the workplace and I was relieved at that.

I was surprised to walk out into the waiting area and see Bella sitting there.

"Edward, is this where you work?" she asked, surprised.

Of course, it was the nearest clinic to Renee's house, why wouldn't she be a patient here?

"Yes, Bella, I didn't realize you were a patient. Which doctor do you see?"

"Emily. She and I are friends. She brings her little boy to the park and we meet up there sometimes on weekends."

I hadn't realized Hugh and Emily had a child.

I was glad Bella had friends here, I knew she had lived in Arizona before so it was likely she knew plenty of people here.

I took my next patient in and got on with my job. When he left, Bella was no longer in the waiting room. After my last patient before lunch left, she knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her, so we went back to the organic restaurant.

She told me Emily was sending her for another scan and asked if I wanted to go with her.

Of course I did, I would just have to see if I could get an hour or two off.

She was booked in the next Wednesday at 4 pm so maybe I could end early that day and start early or something another day to make up the time.

I told her about my housewarming party and she wanted to help so in the interest of having her company all day Saturday, I accepted.

My parents were flying in for the party as were Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett. It would be interesting to see them again. We exchanged emails and texts but had not really gotten back to our previous friendships. I knew that was my fault and I wanted to fix things.

Seeing Bella happy and being friends with me couldn't hurt.

Saturday morning Bella was on my doorstep bright and early, ready to shop with me.

"I was going to drive around and pick you up." I scolded her.

"I am pregnant, not an invalid. I get bored, I do so little aside from editing and writing my column, I need a life as well."

"Don't you get tired, carrying that baby around everywhere?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

"This baby is not a burden, Edward. She is a blessing and I love feeling her grow inside me."

"I know that, love, but it must tire you out."

"Not yet. I haven't gained much weight and she sleeps most of the time."

We bought plenty of snacks and drinks and Bella bought ingredients for the appetizers she wanted to make. I kept her reigned in, not too much to prepare, and we went back to my house and started working together in my kitchen.

"I love this kitchen. Seriously, it is the best kitchen ever. I want to live in this kitchen."

I swallowed nervously. She could have this kitchen any time she wanted. Still too early to ask her to move in.

My parents arrived and put their bags in one of the downstairs bedrooms. Emmett and Rose were staying at Renee's but Alice and Jasper were staying in my second spare bedroom.

They all arrived soon after my parents so we all sat down and had a steak and salad lunch together. Bella was talking to everyone, showing off her belly, catching everyone up with all her news and demanding to hear of their news.

As she emailed them every day, there could not be a lot to catch up on, you would think.

Alice was a little off with me and kept throwing me looks all through the meal.

I kind of thought we were all past that so I decided to confront her later alone and ask her straight out what her problem was.

I saw Emmett attempt to rise a few times and Rose caught him and pulled him back. Something was definitely going on.

I almost asked them there and then to explain but I didn't want to cause any scenes this weekend. This was a weekend of making amends and strengthening friendships that had fallen by the wayside.

After lunch, Jasper offered to drive Bella back to Renee's as he wanted to catch up with her and Phil anyway.

I was surprised, I knew they all knew Bella's parents but didn't know they were such close friends. My parents went with him to chat to Renee, so it was just Alice, Rose and Emmett left at my house. I sat back after we had cleaned up the dishes and waited for whatever they obviously wanted to lay on me.

Emmett started.

"Edward, were you a close friend of Tanya Denali?"

"I wouldn't say close friend, more a work colleague." I answered honestly.

"Did you and her ever get jiggy?"

"No, I never wanted to mix drama with my work area so I kept her at arms length even though she tried a few times to talk me into her bed. Why?"

"She is pregnant and telling everyone you are the baby daddy."

I was stunned and couldn't speak.

"Well, you were in every nurse in the hospital, are you sure you and Tanya..?"

"Absolutely freaking sure. I never touched her. I have never so much as kissed her."

"Kissing didn't get her pregnant."

"Neither did I."

"Well, you really need to tell her to shut up, before word gets to Bella because it will."said Alice.

God, just what I don't need. Bella was just starting to be my friend and start to trust me.

"I swear to you all, I never slept with Tanya. I admit I slept with many of the nurses but I never laid a finger on her."

"I believe you." Rose answered, surprising me.

"You do?"

"I saw the look of frustration on her face every time she had a private up close chat to you. I saw you wriggle out of those conversations and get anyone else to stand beside you when Tanya was in the room. If you were sleeping with her, I would have known. You never hid your many liaisons with anyone else, why would you hide it?"

"Thank you, Rose."

"This doesn't solve anything. She is blaming Edward for a reason."said Alice.

"Maybe spite. Maybe a woman scorned." suggested Rose.

"Well, what are you going to do?" asked Emmett, narrowing his eyes. I don't think Emmett is one hundred per cent convinced, somehow.

"What do I need to do? She is lying. She can only ask for child support after the birth and I can just demand a paternity test and there goes her case."

"Yeah, but Bella..."

That was the crux of the matter.

Bella.

And what she believed.

Would she listen to me and accept my word?

I had never mentioned Tanya to her, and neither would have anyone else, seeing I was never involved with her.

Was it smarter to tell Bella now before she heard anything or just wait and demand the test after Tanya's child was born?


	8. Chapter 8

The Mistake

Chapter 8

BELLA'S POV

I was supposed to be resting but having Esme and Carlisle and Jasper visit was too exciting. My life was so dull here and despite what I told Edward, the pregnancy had slowed me down and I didn't get out much. Phil and my mom tried to keep me amused but the day dragged when they were at work, and I loved it when Edward arrived and took me somewhere or stayed to talk.

I was finding him a very interesting person and it was way beyond his killer looks. He was a mystery, and I was slowly peeling his layers away, but it still bamboozled me, why he had ever settled for his manwhoring. He had so much to offer and I am sure any woman would want a proper relationship with him so why had he gone down that path?

I know men like sex and think about sex every few minutes or was it seconds, I can't remember what the statistic was, but why didn't sex with just one woman or even a couple of women, appeal to him? What was it that made him need so many different women?

He admitted freely that he did not meet the majority again, he didn't know the names even of many of them, yet he had pursued so many. Fuckbuddies I could more understand. Friends with benefits. Though did any of his really qualify as his friend?

Leah was the closest he seemed to have, and he was actively escaping her. That could mean two things, he was wanting to be away from her because he had no interest in her or he was scared to be near her because he needed or wanted her in some way.

God, I wish I was a psychiatrist and could work out what the hell was going on in his head.

Anybody who knew him, saw him as a really bad risk when it came to relationships and I didn't want to have to suffer the consequences if we fell into a relationship then he let me down, screwed around, how could I risk that?It wouldn't be like I wasn't pre warned, or like I just met him and knew noting of his past behavior.

If it was just me, I might have been tempted to take the chance but this baby needed one parent who was responsible and sane and going into a relationship with Edward was neither.

I had to put my child first. I wanted this baby, it was mine alone.

Why was he even fighting to be with me or the baby? He never wanted kids. He had a vasectomy for God's sake. How much more determined could he be to remain childless?

So, what was it about me and our baby that was making him change his mind so radically?

I thought we had a connection but he never rang me again and he made no attempt, no real attempt, to find me until I contacted Esme.

I still had to sort out in my head why I really contacted her. Was I really so concerned that my child had grandparents? They had Renee and Phil, and Charlie. Surely three were enough for any child?

Obviously I wanted Edward in the child's life, therefore in my life.

I was so confused.

To me, it was like there were two Edwards. Edward the ho, who everyone else knew, and Meadow Edward, an entirely different person.

Kind, thoughtful, caring, loving even, funny,happy.

Alice and Rose had told me, Edward was all those things along with his whorish ways, at the hospital. His patients loved him and asked for him, kids adored him, old ladies baked him cookies, so he did show some of his better side to them.

It was as if he was acutely allergic to relationships.

How do you cure an allergy?

Gradual exposure to the allergen.

Maybe that was what was happening with us?

Gradual exposure was weakening him.

How much exposure would it take? How gradual? Was I looking at years, decades, until he was cured?

How old would our child be before I could say proudly, this is Edward's child. Yes, Dr Edward Cullen.

I was so glad he moved here, we had zero chance of a relationship back in Seattle. I could stand a lot of things but coming face to face with his many conquests was not something I wanted to experience.

Never knowing, suspecting every single woman in the whole state.

What was his number? I was so scared to ask. It would eat away at me inside.

I had my number.

Two.

Riley and Edward.

Two players.

How proud am I? All those years of avoiding sex, keeping myself for my future husband, and what had it got me?

Two sexual partners who did not find me alone enough.

Was I the common denominator?

Emmett was a wild boy before he met Rose, he had plenty of women and he stopped, just like that. I was absolutely sure he had never cheated on Rose. If he had, he would be dead.

Jasper had never been a player. He had one other serious girlfriend, Maria and he really thought he would marry her. He was like the old me, only had sex with a sure thing.

The sure thing in both our cases had let us down, we had done nothing wrong.

Maria had slept with Jasper's friend Peter and broken up his marriage to Charlotte.

Their affair had affected a lot of people. Jasper had been wary and quiet and had never taken a risk again, until he met Alice.

They both knew it was the real thing and Alice had not had to break him down, he accepted her and trusted her to never hurt him, despite what Maria did.

I could not trust Edward like Jasper trusted Alice, and Rose trusted Emmett.

Was it me?

Maybe he and I could never be together and becoming his friend was pointless.

No, we have to be friends, for the baby's sake.

But it can't go past that. It can never be more and I need more.

We got ready for the party, Alice came over and attempted to Barbie Bella me but with my new belly, it was a new challenge, she had always dressed me in skin tight outfits and that was not going to happen. My belly really had stayed tiny, it was hard to tell she was even in there in some clothes, so Alice had bought me a pretty embroidered peasant blouse that she had cut the bottom band off and trimmed with braid. It hung loosely over my waist and disguised the baby bump well. She also bought me a pair of maternity jeans. I love this girl!

They had soft, stretchy band of fabric where the waistband usually is but looked like normal jeans once this part was covered. I posed in front of the mirror and was well pleased with how I looked. Certainly nothing maternity about my outfit. Tonight I just wanted to be one of the girls, the old Bella before the pregnancy.

I had rested on the couch while listening to everyone talk so I was full of energy again and raring to go.

Edward was a little off, his greeting seemed kind of wary and his smile seemed forced, but I put it down to the strain of having guests, party anxiety. The other partners from his practice were here already and everyone mingled and I added the final touches to the snacks and soon had Alice and Rose walking around with trays of nibbly things and Jasper handled the drinks.

Everyone had a good time and Edward kept a close eye on me. I gave up wondering what was going on in his head and enjoyed myself.

By the end of the night, the food was all eaten, the drinks were gone, and I was exhausted.

"Stay tonight, please." begged Edward so I happily left him and Alice to clean up and crawled into his bed, wearing one of his old high school T shirts. It was enormous and covered me like a nightdress anyway.

I was fast asleep by the time he came to bed.

Next morning I awoke to find myself cradled against his body, his arms surrounding me, holding my back close to his chest. His breath was sweet against my cheek and so I lay there until my bladder ordered me to escape.

Slipping out of his arms was not easy but I managed to replace myself with a pillow and snuck into his bathroom.

I decided to have a shower and get dressed so I turned the water on and stepped into the recess. It felt like I was being massaged by a hundred fingertips and I almost moaned in pleasure.

Edward was sitting on the bed when I went back into the bedroom.

"Good morning, Edward. Sleep well ?"

"I wanted to wake up with you in my arms." he complained.

"My bladder dictated otherwise and seeing I was up, I took a shower and got dressed."

"I can see that. Not fair."

I kissed him playfully on the cheek and turned to make my way downstairs.

Edward grabbed my arm and gently pulled me towards him.

"I do love you, Bella. Please remember that. Believe me. I am so glad you stayed last night."

Love?

He was bandying the word around a little recklessly, wasn't he? What was between us was something but not love.

I smiled at him and shook myself free, and went down the stairs.

Esme and Alice were cooking breakfast so I made myself a cup of tea and sat down.

I chatted away to them but my mind was bothered. I wish he had not said that.

Not love. He did not love me and I did not love him.

I had made an error in judgment sleeping in his bed last night. I have to pull back and get back to where we stood before.

We can be friends, that's all I can offer him.

Carlisle and Jasper joined us at the table and we ate breakfast. Edward didn't show himself until we were ready to spend the day out at a local park. Emmett needed to run off some energy and Esme and Alice had packed picnic hampers for lunch.

Alice and Jasper piled into Edward's car with us and Renee came by and got everyone else in her van.

Edward avoided looking at me the whole way so I ignored him and talked to Jasper and Alice. Edward avoided me and was quiet and closed up the rest of the day.

PMS I figured. Whatever.

I lay back on a rug and looked at the clouds moving across the sky. Alice came and sat beside me, offering me a soda.

"He loves you, you know."

"I don't think so, Alice. You see the best in everyone and I fear you are giving Edward credit where he doesn't deserve it."

"Bella, he is not a bad person. He is human, he made stupid choices, he made many mistakes. He is trying, for you. Let him in."

"I have let him in too far already. I do not want a relationship with him. It is far too risky."

"Is it the Tanya thing? I don't think its even real. She is just a bitch.":

"Tanya?" I questioned.

"Shit. The way you two have been all morning, I thought he told you."

"Told me what?"

"Bella, please don't make me tell you. I am sure Edward will tell you later, when we have all gone to the airport."

"Alice, you are my closest friend, well, you and Rose. Please tell me."

Rose walked over, hearing the agitation in my voice.

"Does she know?"

"No I don't freaking know and if you two don't tell me, I will assume the worst."

"Tanya Denali, a doctor at Seattle General Hospital, says she is pregnant to Edward. Don't flip out, I know her and I don't think its true."

"Why would she lie?"

"I have no idea. That's the weird part."

"Then maybe it is true. Have you considered that?"

"Bella, I have watched Edward gad about with nurses galore and not much gets past me. I have never seen anything to indicate he has done Tanya."

"Why not her? He seems to have done every other staff member but you and Alice."

"True. But he has always shied away from Tanya. She has pursued him for years and she certainly never told anyone before that she got him in the sack. It would be very out of character for her to keep her mouth shut. We all know all the doctors she has bagged and I have never even heard a rumor that she has been with Edward. Ever."

"I gather Edward knows about her accusation?"

"Yes, we told him yesterday. He has been trying to figure out whether its better he tells you or just waits. He is so sure he cannot be the father, he is quite happy to have any paternity test. He would not say that if there were the slightest chance."

"Maybe he knows there is more than one candidate? He thinks he has a chance of not being the father so he is willing to take the chance. Especially if she is a whore."

"She is definitely that. It is a miracle they never got together but I do not believe he did her."

"How pregnant is she? "

"I don't know, she isn't showing so not a whole heap."

"So,less than I am?"

"Bella you already know he lapsed back after he was with you."

"Yeah, I know. Bella Swan, not worthy of loyalty or monogamy."

"Bella! Don't say that!" hissed Alice.

"Oh face facts. I was about to marry Riley, for Pete's sake and even he couldn't stick to sex with just me. I don't have what it takes to have a man stick with me."

I was tired and cranky and sick of this life. Sick of whoring men. Sick of always being alone.

I felt the tears pour down my face.

"Alice, I want to go home. Can you get his keys and drive me, please?"

Alice walked over to where Edward was talking to Emmett and Jasper and asked for his keys.

He looked anxiously my way and I looked away.

Damn that man.

Why does he have this power over me?

Why am I crying over him again?

Rose explained to Esme and Carlisle that I was tired and they came and said goodbye. Jas and Emmett waved and called out and Alice held me around the waist and took me to Edward's car and took me home to Renee's.

I hugged her thanks and goodbye and went to bed.

EDWARD'S POV

Even when I don't actually do anything, my life still gets fucked up and I get bitten on the ass.

I knew it could have been any of a number of girls, claiming they were pregnant to me and there would have been chances they were right. But not Tanya. How bloody ironic. I was going to lose Bella again, not that I had much of her anyway, but whatever we had rebuilt was washed away with the tears I saw slip down her face.

Alice asked me for my keys and I looked her in the eyes and asked.

"She knows?"

"Yes, Edward. I am so sorry. We thought she knew. The way you two have been all morning, we thought you told her after you woke up. You didn't come to breakfast and you have avoided her all day."

"That's fair enough, Alice. I don't blame you and I had no idea how to tell her anyway. Look after her for me."

"I will. I'll take her to Renee's and be right back."

I knew last night everything was over and I had one last night with her, more than I deserved.

I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

Hey, there was still the chance some other staff member from the hospital would turn up, really pregnant to me. Many members. Why fight Fate? I deserved this kick in the balls, why did I deserve to escape my past?


	9. Chapter 9

**I don't own Twilight .**

The Mistake

Chapter 9

EDWARD'S POV

I had no idea what to do next but confronting Tanya was high on my list so I booked a flight the following weekend. I gave Bella some space and let her calm down and come to her own conclusions since our one step forward, two steps back.

Finally Friday came and I went straight to the airport.

I knew where Tanya lived but I was wary of showing up at her home, alone so I asked Alice and Rose if they would be willing to accompany me.

We drove to Tanya's and the look on her face when she opened the door made the trip worthwhile and confirmed to Alice and Rose that her whole story was a lie, without either of us uttering a word.

"Tanya, I assume you have a good reason for telling everyone you are carrying my child?" I asked.

She tried to bluff her way through.

"Because I am, Edward, everyone knows we were lovers."

"That would be everyone but me,then." I retorted."What do you possibly stand to gain? The minute its born, I demand a paternity test and you know the answer can only be that I am not the father."

"Why did you sleep with everyone else available and not me?" she demanded loudly.

"I explained that to you. I worked with you. I didn't sleep with anyone in our department. I felt the need to keep some distance between my work, and uh, play areas."

"Was that the only reason? I have taken so much flack from so many silly nurses who like to rub it in my face that you chose them and not me."

"God, I cannot believe I am apologizing for being less of a manho than I could have been. But for what its worth, I apologize. I am sorry for not choosing you. Now please, let everyone know I am not the father of your child."

"There is no child anyway, I miscarried a few days ago. Can we just leave it at that?"

"Tanya, there is a reason I need you to deny the relationship. It is important to Bella Swan that I have not lied about this. Just saying you miscarried does not wipe away the lie."

"I am sorry, I figured nobody would even be surprised if I named you as the father."

"Won't the real father speak up?"

"No, it was Mike. I knew if he found out, he would make my life Hell so I just pretended I was already pregnant when we slept together."

I was surprised Mike had even gone for Tanya. He really prefers the new, younger nurses who know little of his reputation or girls outside the hospital.

"What do you need me to do?"

"You don't have to even say it was Mike, just say it wasn't me."

"How do I explain a mistake like that? Oh, I didn't notice who I was sleeping with?"

"Would you talk to Bella for me? If I ring her, would you explain to her? She doesn't know you or Mike. All you need to explain is how you lied for reasons of your own, nothing to do with me. Please."

"Okay, fine."

Alice rang Bella's number, on her phone as the chances were, she would not answer a call from me.

Tanya took the phone after Alice explained briefly what was going on and Tanya left the room, talking hesitantly to Bella.

That was all I could do. It was up to Bella now. She trusted Alice and knew Alice would never set her up to talk with someone pretending to be Tanya.

Tanya returned the phone, a few tears shone in her eyes.

"She sounded really nice, not like your usual girls, Edward."

"Oh, she is nothing like my usual girls" I confirmed.

"She accepted my apology and understood why I did it .She was actually really nice to me and thanked me for calling and explaining."

That was Bella. She had a big capacity for forgiveness though not big enough to forgive me. I couldn't hold it against her. It was a massive thing to ask.

I stayed with my parents for the weekend and flew home Sunday night.

My house seemed different, somehow.

A smell? A delicious aroma?

I followed it to my kitchen. A tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies sat on a cooling rack on my bench.

And only Bella had a key.

**Sorry for its shortness but it said all it had to. Please review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I Don't Own Twilight but like to borrow Edward** sometimes.

The Mistake

Chapter 10

Seventeen Minutes.

EDWARD'S POV

Now that the truth about Tanya was out there, I felt Bella and I were back on an even footing again. As in, nowhere. She didn't hate me but she didn't like me, either.

I had a clean slate, more or less, to work from.

There was nothing in my past that she didn't know, if she could accept me and give me a chance, then we needed to start from this point.

I sat in my lounge room and ate my cookies. That woman sure can cook. She would make a fantastic wife, with her looks and humor and brains and bedroom skills and cooking genius. And her capacity to love. She loved the baby so much.

She had shown me the little pink things she had gathered for the baby to wear and play with.

I meant to eat maybe two cookies and put the rest away but they just disappeared, maybe evaporated into thin air.

I was sorry when they were all gone.

How did one thank a friend for baking them cookies? Was sending flowers too much?

I didn't want to come across too needy. She knew already how needy I was.

Maybe not a whole arrangement, maybe I could go to a florist and just buy her a few special flowers?

I jumped in the car and drove to the nearest florist that I could find.

The flowers were amazing, expensive but there were plenty to choose from.

Wildflowers. The moment I saw them, I knew.

Thats what she would like.

I had the florist make me a small bunch so it looked almost like I had picked them myself, and she tied a ribbon around the stems instead of the usual hoopla.

They looked perfect.

I drove to Bella's and knocked on the door.

A sleepy Bella opened it, and smiled shyly at me.

"Thank you for the cookies. Unfortunately someone broke in and ate them all."

"Was it you?" she asked me, a serious frown on her face.

"May have been." I confessed.

I handed her the bunch of wildflowers.

"I picked these myself."

"You picked these yourself? Around here?"

"Yes,I went to the florist and picked each one out myself."

"Well, thank you, Edward. They are perfect."

She put them in a vase and sat down, inviting me to do the same.

"I am sorry about the Tanya shit, I had nothing to do with it, or her."

"I know you didn't. This time, you are in the clear. I almost understand why she did it."

"You do?"

"Sure. She is used to being the one everyone chases and you not only ignored her, you choose her lowly nurses over her. It was ego as well as scorn."

"If you say so. She could never have pulled it off. There was no Cullen DNA in that baby."

"Well, it is still sad that she lost it, regardless of who fathered it."

"It would not have had a happy life, with Tanya as the mother and Mike as the father. He would have gotten her sacked, I imagine."

"Really? What a prick."

Yep, I learned from the master.

Bella smiled at me, looking sleepy and kind of confused.

I took her hand and rubbed it.

She was literally falling asleep as we sat there.

"I had better go, you look like you need some sleep."

"Slept all day, all night, can't wake up."

Alarm bells went off in my head.

"Bella, I just want to take to into the hospital for a quick check up, okay?"

"Okay."

I lifted her tiny body up and carried her to my car. She was fully unconcious by the time I strapped her in.

"Bella!" I yelled and slapped her face back and forth, not hard enough to mark her but hard enough to rouse her.

"Wha..."

Shit.

This was not good.

I drove like the devil himself was behind me and pulled in at the Emergency Entrance.

I lifted her out of the car and ran inside, calling for help.

A doctor walking past turned to me and grabbed trolley and I lay her on it.

"She is 27 years old, about seven months pregnant, lost consciousness in the car. I tried to rouse her twice first time partial success, last time no response."

"How was she earlier in the day?"

"I don't know. I was away all weekend. She was alone, she lives with her mother and stepfather but they were away,too. She said to me tonight she slept all day and all night and couldn't wake up properly though she was initially talking normally She just went down, like she was exhausted and couldn't stay awake."

Nurses surrounded her and her vitals were being checked.

"Could just be her blood pressure, its very low."

Leads were attached to monitor the baby. It seemed okay.

Her blood pressure spiked high, out of control.

Bella suddenly started to fit and I was pushed aside as new drugs were administered. Something was very wrong here.

She was rushed away from me and despite my pleading I was a doctor myself, the fact that I was the baby's father meant I could not be part of the team.

Finally, the same doctor came out.

"This is a blood clotting issue. She has a clot on her brain and smaller ones forming. Also starting in her lungs. Is she your wife? Partner?"

How do I answer that?

"She is a close friend and she is pregnant with my child."

Thats about as honest as I can be.

"I am sorry but you need to make a decision."

My stomach clenched and fell.

"If we deliver the baby now, it will probably be too immature to survive but the mother will live. We can treat her once she is no longer pregnant."

"If you don't?"

"The treatment we give her to thin her blood enough to keep the baby alive will cause her to have a stroke. The mother will need to be hooked up to life support and we may manage to keep her body alive long enough for the baby to mature."

God. What a choice. Its not a choice, its the opposite of a choice.

If I insist they save Bella at the baby's expense, she will hate me. If I save the baby, I lose Bella.

If I lose Bella, I lose everything.

"Is there time to find her mother, get her to choose?"

"No, sorry, I should be doing something now if you choose her over the baby."

I have no choice, I will always choose Bella.

She has to live. She will hate me but at least she will be alive to do so.

"Save Bella. Save the mother."

I have said it. I have signed my only child's death warrant.

Time passed somehow and I sat with my head in my hands. I didn't have another choice. I had to save Bella. I had to choose her.

I walked outside and rang my parents, asked them to ring everyone else. I can't repeat the phone call again and again.

Esme is crying but promises she will call them.

I can't understand why God is punishing Bella?

She did nothing wrong.

If anyone should be punished, it is me.

I ran to my car and unlocked the trunk and took out the video camera my mother had given me to film the birth if they missed it.

They will be missing it. The baby is probably already dead but if its born alive I may get a few minutes of its life on film. The only few minutes it has.

I was taken to scrub up and put on a gown and led to a room off the operating theater.

I asked the nurse if someone could video the baby. She assured me she would find a volunteer and she left. A minute or two later, a cheery middle aged woman came in and pulled on a gown.

"I am Maree.I am sorry, pet. I will video as much as I can and you can have what you don't want to keep, edited out."

I nodded mutely.

I don't want any of this but it is happening.

We masked up when a nurse handed us masks and she opened the door to the theater. Bella was stretched out like she was being crucified on a cross, arms flung at a right angle to her body, tied down, drips and blood transfusions in place.

Maree started to film.

The doctor pulled the baby from the incision in her abdomen and handed it to a nurse who ran to the bench and started resuscitating her.

I watched numb and silent. She coughed and cried weakly, so they worked harder and prepared to

hook her up to life support. Maybe there was a tiny chance?

She was so small, so perfect. Her little face was Bella's, her brown hair with copper ends, both of ours. Our pale skin, my long fingers. Bella's lips.

Her eyes fluttered open and she looked into mine. Green eyes. Not the usual colorless slate most babies are born with. My green eyes.

She didn't look like she was accusing me of letting this happen, choosing for her to die.

She seemed to have understanding and peace in them.

I walked forward, closer, and touched her face with my finger.

"Do you want us to intubate?"

"Is there any hope?"I asked.

"No, but it may give you a little time with her, an hour or so."

"But she will be distressed with that down her throat."

"We will sedate her."

"No, then. Just let her be."

I pulled my mask off.

The nurse wiped her off and wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me.

I looked down and cried, my body wracked in pain.

This was not how it should end.

I walked to Bella and lay the baby against her face. She was unconcious but she would see later in the video. She had gotten to touch her baby.

I lifted the tiny bundle back up as the doctor barked orders and Bella's bed was pushed from this room into the next theater.

I was alone.

I had to give her a name.

The volunteer never said a word, she just filmed me and the baby.

I lifted her so I could see all her face as I spoke to her.

"Your mommy is the best mother in the world and I am so sorry you won't get to know that or to know her. She loves you more than anything. More than life. She wanted you very, very much and so did I."

Tears took over and I had to shake my head to clear them enough to see her.

"I am going to name you Angel because you will always be our angel baby. I don't know the name your mommy had picked for you but it will be your middle name now."

The woman, Maree, had walked around to film the baby over my shoulder so she could get her little face in focus.

I pulled her in close, against my cheek and sang to her. Maree kept filming, I forgot she was there.

I felt her feathery breathing on my cheek and rocked her gently, back and forth, firmly against my shoulder,

"Sweet baby girl, our little Angel. We love you now and forever."

She stopped breathing but I couldn't look, couldn't put her down.

I heard Maree stifle a sob.

A nurse came in and checked her.

"She is gone, Edward. I am so sorry. Would you like to bathe her? Or I can do it for you?"

"I will."

I stood and held the baby in my arms and looked at her face. Her green eyes were closed and she looked to be asleep. Just asleep. Not dead.

I lay her down and unwrapped her as the nurse bought in a perspex bath on a metal stand and I lowered her gently into the water and sang to her as I washed her clean. All the blood gone, her hair now soft and floating out in the water. Maree filmed as she cried silent tears.

I checked her head to toe, perfect. Not a single thing wrong with her, just not alive.

A tiny, perfect doll.

I wrapped her in a towel someone handed me and rubbed her dry, between her toes, her little fingers. Her hair stood up in messy disarray, my hair, then.

There were a pile of tiny pink clothes in a pile so I dressed her carefully and wrapped her in a clean pink, blanket.

Maree sobbed out loud at the sight.

"I'm sorry, I made that blanket." she explained.

I knew hospitals had volunteers who made little outfits for the precious little ones who don't make it. So their parents can see them dressed up, all pretty, for the only time they will get that chance.

"Thank you" I whispered.

"Thank you for making my baby a blanket."

I had made her nothing, bought her nothing. This stranger had done more for her than I had.

The blanket was pale pink and had a small white angel sewn on, with flowers embroidered around it.

It was beautiful, worthy to be wrapped around this perfect child.

The nurse entered again and took some photos of the baby, of me holding her, and of her in her basket.

SWAN/CULLEN Baby Angel read the tag.

Baby Angel.

Angel baby.

The words rang in my head.

"Can Bella see her?"

"Bella is still in theater but everything is going well."

Thank you God. Please don't take her as well. I couldn't bear it.

Of course she was still in theater, I just couldn't think straight any more.

The nurse led me to a room where a rocking chair sat and another few chairs.

"When your families get here, I will bring them in."

She pushed the basket in and I sat and rocked my daughter and sang to her.

Maree was quiet, still taping.

I straightened up and said what I knew I had to say to my daughter before anyone else got here.

"I am sorry, sorry I didn't give you a chance. I wish I could have saved you and Bella, but they couldn't, I couldn't. I am so sorry. I will love you forever and I know Bella will never forgive me but I hope you can. If you knew Bella, you would understand. The world would stop if Bella died. The world has slowed right down now, because you are not with us, but I had to save Bella. I am so sorry. I had to save Bella."

I heard Renee before I saw her. She was hysterical and Phil was trying to calm her.

"Where is Bella's baby? Give me the baby" she shrieked.

I kissed Angel on the head and prepared to hand her to Renee.

Phil walked her to me through the door and Renee stood staring at her grandchild.

I held her out, offering to let Renee hold her, but she just touched Angel's cheek and looked at me.

"Oh Edward. No. No."

"Her name is Angel. I didn't know what Bella..."

"Faith. She was going to call her Faith."

"Angel Faith Swan Cullen then." I answered."I had to tell her what her name was before she died." I explained."Or she wouldn't know it. It was important."

I wanted Renee to understand, I hadn't just ignored Bella's wishes, but my daughter needed a name, quickly. Before she...

"It's a beautiful name, Edward. You did the right thing."

"There was no right thing, Renee. I couldn't let Bella die."

"I know. You couldn't let Bella die. I would have made the same choice" she choked and turned to Phil.

I was glad she had said that. She would have made the same choice. I was glad she hadn't had to.

I wish I hadn't had to.

"Why did this happen?"

"Some blood problem that can suddenly happen in any pregnancy. Bella didn't do anything wrong. They had to choose. They made me choose. I had to save Bella."

Renee put her arms around me and the baby and Phil put his arms around her back.

"Poor baby, poor tiny baby girl. Bella wanted you so much."

God, I had to tell Bella. I had to tell her I chose to let this baby die.

I fell back into the rocking chair and Phil grabbed the baby out of my arms as they slackened.

"Renee, I have to tell Bella what I did."

"Darling, you had no choice. You did the right thing, the only thing."

A nurse appeared,and waved me over. I didn't know if my legs were still working but I stood and they were.

I walked to her.

"Bella is out of surgery. She did well, and there shouldn't be any problems now. You saved her life, finding her so quickly. Do you want to sit with her in recovery?"

I did and I didn't. I wanted to be with her but I didn't want to leave the baby.

"Can I bring Angel with me?"

"Of course you can."

She walked in and wheeled the baby bed out, and led the way. I took the baby back from Phil and Maree followed us silently.

Renee walked along side of us, Phil trailing behind, holding one of her hands.

"What is happening, Edward?"

"I have to go to Bella. She will wake up soon and I have to tell her what I did. You have to be there for her, she won't want me."

We walked down the hall and finally where shown to the bed Bella lay in.

"Maree, can you stay? Bella will want to hold Angel and I will have to go, but can you please stay?"

"Of course, Edward. As long as she wants me to."

"Thank you, Maree. You have been wonderful."

She patted my hand and kissed my cheek.

I looked at her in awe. She would kiss my cheek, knowing what I did?

We lay the baby in Bella's arms and Maree filmed some more. I moved Angel up near Bella's face and she took a photo for me with my phone.

I sat beside Bella and watched her face. When she started coughing and moving, I stood and kissed Angel goodbye and placed her in her bed.

Bella opened her eyes, and groaned.

"What.."

"You were very ill, Bella"

"What?"

"They had to operate on you, twice. You will be okay."

Bella's hands went straight to her now flat belly.

"Where's the baby?"

"She is here, Bella but she died. They couldn't save her."

Bella's eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped open.

"No."

She shook her head.

"I am so sorry, Bella. I know you can never forgive me but I had to choose you. I know you would have wanted me to choose her, but I couldn't. I had to save you. I am deeply sorry and I will go now but I had to choose you."

I turned and lifted the baby out and handed her to Bella. She looked at her little face, all serene and perfect and touched her hair.

"She looks like me. And you."

She smiled at me.

"She is dead, Bella. I am so sorry."

"I understand, Edward. But she is beautiful."

"She is, the most beautiful baby ever."

"Why did she die?"

"You had blood clots in your brain,and starting in your lungs. They couldn't save you unless they delivered Angel. I had to choose. If they left her inside, you would die and I had to save you. I am sorry."

"So she had no chance? Whatever they did? If I died she would have died anyway."

"No, they could have thinned your blood so you stroked out and kept you alive on life support and she would have lived inside you long enough to mature and be born."

"God, Edward, I am so sorry they made you choose."

"I am too but I would choose the same again."

Renee put her head in the door.

"Your mom and Phil are here, everyone else is coming. I will go and let you say goodbye to Angel. Her name is Angel Faith Swan Cullen. I didn't know what you were going to name her so I chose Angel, because she was born alive and she needed to hear her name."

"She was born alive? How long did she live?"

"Seventeen minutes, Bella. I had her for seventeen minutes."

Bella broke down and I knew I had to go and leave her with her mother so I kissed her head and Angel's head and walked outside.

I got in my car and just drove.

Seventeen minutes.

Seventeen minutes of life.

**Please review.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I don't own Twilight or the lyrics to I am a Rock, I imagine Simon and Garfunkel do.**

The Mistake

Chapter 11

So long and Goodbye.

BELLA'S POV

Angel's life, Angel's death. I knew her in life only when she was inside me. I knew her in death because Edward brought her to me. I don't blame Edward for the choice he made. When you think about it, how do you blame someone for saving your life? He saved me twice. He saved me by visiting and bringing me those flowers and noticing things were going wrong. He could have gone home and left me to sleep. I guess he knew something, even if he didn't know what he knew.

Then he chose to not let the doctors make me stroke out and become a mindless incubator for my child.

I don't even know what I would have chosen, if the choice had been mine. I know I couldn't live with myself if I had to choose to let my child die and Edward lives with that every day. Nobody has ever said he made the wrong choice, that I know of. He was brave and lost and he had to make the hardest decision of his life. He wanted Angel too, he wanted her in his life. He was trying so hard and I was so harsh with him. He did everything I asked of him and I still refused to let him in.

Even through all the pain and loss I feel, I know his is worse. Because he spent those seventeen minutes holding her. How much harder for him, knowing she would die and still choosing to hold her and sing to her and the things he told her.... I have watched the video many times. Sometimes I mute it because I can't cope hearing Edward's broken voice as he says sorry to his baby.

That baby is probably the only child he will ever father and that is the biggest tragedy.

I know now, his stupid lifestyle was all bullshit. He was a good person always, he just did immature things because they were easy for him. He didn't have to make any effort and so he never tried to stop things. Once he had a reason to, he did change.

I was the coward. One fucked up relationship and I bailed. Never trusted another man. If a dog bit you, would you shoot all dogs? Or would you just be more careful and choose safer dogs?

When you make a ledger of what he did that was bad...screwed women who wanted him to...and what he did that was good...change for us, for me, be there for our baby's short life...do they even compare?

One was a lifestyle problem, one was a life and death problem.

I have a different outlook on life. I had to either accept my loss or go under. Now I know what's important. People are important. Hearts are important. Love is the most important thing.

Edward sacrificed his child so I could live.

Could I ever love anyone that much? I don't think I could.

The funeral was horrendous as most funerals are. Its too barbaric, putting a baby in the ground.

Edward carried the tiny pink coffin into the church and lay the garland of wildflowers on top.

Our flowers, because she was our flower.

He had a little gold plaque inscribed on the lid of her coffin.

_A little rose, lent not given, to bud on Earth, and bloom in Heaven._

_Angel Faith Swan Cullen. Beloved by all. Missed by many. Loved by Bella and Edward ._

I assumed a heart could only shatter once but my heart shattered so many times. When I heard she died, when Edward walked out that hospital room door and left us behind, when I got home and he had packed everything up and taken it all away so I wouldn't have to, when I saw him carry her coffin into that church. The look on his face.

It was pure anguish.

I had my mom and Phil, Charlie, Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett. He stood alone. His parents were there but he stood alone, like he didn't deserve to be comforted.

It broke my heart.

Afterwards, everyone came back to Renee's but not Edward.

After they all cried and hugged me and left cards and flowers and casseroles in the freezer, I walked to Edward's house but it was empty. Shut up, cold, and deserted.

The next time I walked there, it had a realtor's sign. For Sale.

He wasn't coming back.

I went to the clinic. There was a new doctor there, so I asked when Edward was coming back and they told me, he had gone.

He wasn't coming back. Ever.

You know that old song, Big Yellow Taxi ?

Some words from it summed up my life.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til its gone.

That's so true.

The one person who could share the level of grief I feel and know, really truly know her loss, is gone.

I know everyone mourns her but it's different when you are the parents.

It's closer, more personal. It's part of you that is gone forever.

And she can't be replaced. I know that, I know not even another baby could replace her but another baby that was made by the same parents could help us accept her loss.

We would have her brother or her sister. A sibling. A child related to her.

And that little miracle will never happen.

I struggle with finding something to go on for.

Most days, it seems like everything worthwhile is gone and any happiness I allowed myself, short, sharp episodes of happy, are always going to stay in the past.

If I could turn the clock back, I would have grabbed Edward with both hands, moved here or somewhere else, anywhere else, anywhere we could start anew, and I would love him. With all my heart. Even if we still lost the baby, even if that still had to happen, we would have had each other. We would have had warm arms to wrap around us and a heart who knew the same pain and we would have helped each other.

But I chose to never know his love, never accept it. I just took what I wanted and needed, and kept him at arms length.

And he struggled and tried and fought against the tide to swim to me and I pushed him back, made him swim harder, told him he couldn't get to the shore. I left him floundering.

He left because he didn't see me as his safe harbor.

He only expected me to be a source of hate and condemnation for what he did yet he never had a choice. Not a real choice. A real choice would have been the choice where they saved us both.

I have never felt one iota of disappointment, hate, or anger, at the choice he made.

I just wish for him, that he had never had to make it.

EDWARD'S POV

The construction was going well. My house would be finished in two more months and I would move in and become the hermit I so longed to be.

The walking paths had been closed, fences now kept everyone off every inch of my property.

I had chosen the perfect site for my house. Smack bang in the middle of my meadow. Its the only place I have known happiness so I want to live there. Nobody but the construction crew will even know there is a house here. I have insisted they all sign confidentiality clauses. They can never mention my house without risking a lawsuit. They probably think some pop star or celebrity chef or Hollywood actor is having this house built, far away from prying eyes.

The famous are not the only ones who long for privacy.

I don't need to work, I have never needed to work. I worked because I wanted to help people and be useful but I knew now how pointless it was. Eight years at medical school and an internship and I could do nothing for my child.

I hope to never practice medicine again. I plan to play my music, compose, maybe sell my efforts for others to record.

My house is a glorified tree house. It will stand high on stilts so as little damage as possible is done to my meadow. It will have one large, open room on the lower floor. That will be the kitchen, dining, and sitting rooms, a place for my piano. Then there will be a staircase .The second floor will just be four rooms. I don't know what they will be for, maybe a study, guest rooms, I am having half bathrooms off two of the rooms. The spare room?Who knows? A room to store my memories. I can sit in it and pull out bits from my brain. Walking along a beach with a beautiful girl. Making love to a fantasy in a meadow. Little memories like seventeen minutes of pain and love. They can all live in this house with me.

The very top floor upstairs is a big open bedroom with the bathroom in the same room. It's only ever going to be for me, I need no privacy from myself. Windows on all sides. Like a large, wooden lighthouse.

Esme knows better than to offer to decorate or buy furniture. This will be my house and it will be basic and maybe bare, just the essentials because all we need in life are the essentials.

Takes years to learn that.

Stuff is just stuff.

He who dies with the most stuff doesn't die any happier than he that dies with no stuff.

Speaking of death, it holds no fear for me now.

Now I believe I will end up wherever Angel went.

If there is a Heaven, she is there and she will wait for me.

If there isn't, if there is nothing, then one day I will be nothing with her.

If there is just some train station where we go to get sent to our next lives here on Earth again, I will grab on to her and make sure I get my next life with her.

I need some basic furniture, so that takes up time. I stay away from Seattle, the hospital, anywhere I am known.

I see only Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett and my parents. Nobody else even knows I am here, and I like it that way.

Finally the big day comes and I move in. My home, my sanctuary. My retreat.

"All you need is a plaque with the words to that Simon and Garfunkel song, I Am A Rock, says Alice.

It would be fitting.

A winter's day  
In a deep and dark December;  
I am alone,  
Gazing from my window to the streets below  
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.  
I am a rock,  
I am an island.

I've built walls,  
A fortress deep and mighty,  
That none may penetrate.  
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.  
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.  
I am a rock,  
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,  
But I've heard the words before;  
It's sleeping in my memory.  
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.  
If I never loved I never would have cried.  
I am a rock,  
I am an island.

I have my books  
And my poetry to protect me;  
I am shielded in my armor,  
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.  
I touch no one and no one touches me.  
I am a rock,  
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;  
And an island never cries

That really sums up my new life.

ALICE'S POV

I worry about him. I worry about her.

They both have chosen to shut themselves off, away from the world.

She has taken up traveling. She left Renee's and took off for parts unknown. Backpacking. At her age. She isn't a flighty teen, she is a grown women who has faced a lot of hard knocks but she has survived but now she is off, looking for something.

I think its something to live for.

Can you find that backpacking?

I don't know.

You can't find it locked up in your fortress and that's where he is.

Never goes anywhere, rarely sees anyone.

Jasper visits him sometimes and they really talk, apparently.

Emmett goes now and then but they aren't as close.

I don't think Emmett understands Edward's pain.

Emmett is a 'pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on' kind of guy.

Edward is a 'wallow in pain and misery and never move on' type.

Edward always loves it when I visit. When I hug him, I get the feeling I am the only person in the world that touches him. I mean, literally. He never feels another human against his skin. He always stiffens and pulls back at first then he relaxes and clings to me like I can save him. But I can't. I am not the one who can.

She is a million miles away, across an ocean.


	12. Chapter 12

**I don't own Twilight. And don't despair, this chapter is not indicative of the end of the story. I promised E&B and I will deliver! Bella just needed to spread her wings.**

The Mistake

Chapter 14

Returning to Life

BELLA'S POV

Africa. India. Spain. Italy. All these places I hardly knew existed and now I have experienced them all. I am staying at the cheapest of lodgings, despite my mom's warnings that they could be unsafe. Who cares about safe? I played my whole life safe and look where it got me.

Wandering down a dusty track in Italy, alone, unloved, deserted.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and take a drink from my water bottle. It's so hot.

Hot and sunny and quiet and beautiful.

I wanted to go to Paris but Paris is the city of love, and love and I are not close friends.

I pulled out the scrap of paper and read the instructions again. I am heading for a farmhouse where the owner has built a share house for backpackers to stay.

It would probably help a lot if I spoke Italian. I always thought it was ignorant for tourists to visit a country and not learn the native language first but there was no way I could learn all the languages I would have needed.

I am blowing all my savings, doing this trip and you know what, I don't even care. So, I end up back home stony broke. It's not like I need all that money I saved for years to raise my baby with. She didn't stay around long enough to cost me anything but a hospital bill. And even that was paid by Edward.

Not a word, no contact, I just rang and asked why I hadn't received a bill and they told me I was mistaken, there had been an account sent out, to Mr and Mrs Carlisle Cullen's address and it had been paid by Mr Edward Cullen.

I hadn't fought it. If he needed to do that, fine.

He paid for her funeral, he paid for everything.

So I took my money and spent it on plane tickets and accommodation and food.

Yes, that's the street!

I almost ran, so happy to finally find the place.

The owner is an Englishman who moved here to make his fortune and has found it harder than he thought. He had hoped to attract the top tourist dollar but he was too far out of the way to attract anyone but those searching for cheap and simple housing.

My room is small and plain but has just one bed, a double sized, for once I don't have to share with a stranger. God knows I have had my fill of shared rooms and tourists who bring a man back, despite the fact I am either above them in a bunk bed or three feet away in a twin bed. Pretending to be asleep while they have sex practically in your bed is disgusting so I decided to visit one less country and pay the extra for a private room when available.

I threw my backpack down and pulled out the dirty washing I had worn since the last place with clothes washing facilities.

The owner had pointed out the washroom downstairs so I grabbed my little box of washing powder and headed down.

It would be blissful to have clean undies again.

Nobody is around so I strip off the clothes I am wearing and toss them into the washer as well, and wrap myself up in one of the clean towels available for guests, stacked on a shelf.

Of course, I am no sooner naked than a car pulls up and several laughing, noisy student travelers walk in and soon, one of them comes down to use the washer.

He is tall, and built, and has russet skin and the most gorgeous long, straight black hair, caught back from his face.

"Ah, hi, um, can I come in, do you mind?" he asks.

He is cute and kind of shy and so attractive.

I finally feel something other than pain and sorrow.

My ladies bits are stirring, feelings I had forgotten.

"Sure, hi, sorry you caught me naked. I just had to wash everything, its been a while since I found a place with a washer."

"Yeah, it's been a while for me too." he replied.

He sat down on the bench beside me and threw his backpack on the floor.

"Jacob Black, native American" he quipped.

"Bella Swan, naked American" I returned, shaking the hand he offered.

He grinned at me and his teeth were exposed. How white can teeth be? That white.

My God, he was...sort of.. beautiful.

Young, yes, younger than me by a few years but who cares? Those petty details mean nothing in this new life of mine.

"So, Jacob, how long are you staying here?" I ask.

"It was going to be just overnight but I just had a thought..I may stay as long as you stay..how long is that?"

"I am spending at least a week here. I have paid for one week but the owner knows I may extend, if the scenery is nice and the scenery just got a whole lot better."

See, I can flirt.

I have learned a lot this trip.

I have looked at pretty men and smiled and talked, and even kissed a few but this time, I want more.

I want to feel again and I think I know just who I want to feel.

Bella, you whore!

I could die tomorrow and I don't want to die alone.

I want to live before I die.

I no longer have plans of meeting Mr Right and getting married and having...babies.

The only man I would marry disappeared out of my world and I never heard from him again.

I would never want a child with anyone else.

See, I finally get where Edward was coming from all that time ago.

I have lost all desire to have babies, with anyone but him, so no babies for Bella.

No white dress, no walk down the aisle into his waiting arms.

Therefore, what's left? What can I have?

Maybe a few weeks of happiness here and there, now and then.

Maybe Jacob Black will be my first week of happiness.

The way he is smiling at me, he seems willing.

I had a contraceptive implant inserted at Rose's insistence before I left.

She slapped my ass and told me to get the hell out there and live a little and I have slowly been building up to just that.

"Do you want to have a look around, maybe walk into town for dinner? There's supposed to be plenty of cheap eats here." says Jacob.

"Sure, why not? I could go a cheap eat. Just need some clothes."

"You look fine like you are. I would take you out in that fetching towel. It looks good on you."

"Well thank you Jake..do you go by Jake? Or prefer Jacob?"

"I would go by anything you choose to call me. Jake is fine."

"So, Jake, are you a student?"

Please say no. I can't quite get my head around anyone THAT young.

"Nope, I am a mechanic and I am 25 years old, if you want to know."

"Cool. I am...... not 25 years old."

"That's fine. So long as you are over 18." he winks at me.

Oh yeah. We are on the same page.

"Hmm, I am 27. Do you mind cougars?"

"I thought cougars had to be old enough to be one's parent. 27 is a mere whisper past 25."

"You are so right."

"Anyway, I get points for being taller than you and weighing about twice as much as you weigh, and I can rebuild an engine of any car you can name. What can you get points for?"

"I bake a mean cookie, um, I used to have my own column as a book critic."

"Naw, 'used to's' don't get you points."

"Darn, just the cookies then."

"Okay, so readjusted age, I am about 35 and you are 28."

"Well you are too old for me now. What a pity."

"Did I say 35? I meant 29."

"29 is good. I can handle 29."

"I hope you do." he laughed.

My load of washing ended and I emptied the washer and put my clothes in a plastic basket and walked outside to hang them on the clothes lines provided.

The breeze flapped them around, they would be dry in no time with this hot sun.

Jake put his washing on and we walked back inside the kitchen and put the kettle on to make some tea.

It was too hot for coffee.

I sat at the table and hoped his friends didn't come in while I was still clothes free.

"Hey, Bella, do you want to borrow one of my shirts, it will be bigger than any dress you wear anyway."

"Thanks, Jake, that would be great."

He handed me a clean but large Tshirt with a High School logo on the front.

"La Push? You come from La Push? My dad lives in Forks." I exclaimed.

"God, I never expected to meet anyone in Italy who had heard of La Push. What's your dad's name?Oh no, Swan, not Charlie Swan the Chief of Police?"

"Yep, that would be my dad. Do you know him?

"Yeah, he gives me a present every time I drive through Forks."

"He does?"

"Yeah, a speeding ticket."

"Cute, good one, Jake."

The sounds of voices growing louder alerted us to his friends returning. I stood quickly and he grabbed my towel to hold it in place as I raised my arms and pulled his shirt over my head.

As the fabric slipped down, his hands migrated to my breasts and he watched my reaction.

I almost jumped him there and then.

My eyes shone with want and need and I grabbed him close in a hug.

"Darn, I am sharing a room with Quil and Embry. There was only the one room left."

"I have a single."

I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my room before his friends appeared.

We stood with our backs against the door and listened to them call to Jake.

"Where has he gone? His washing is on downstairs."

"Must have gotten an offer from a hot chick." one of them laughed.

"No way, Black is way too uptight to pick up a chick, hot or not. He is such a girl."

"Yeah, a shy little virgin girl."

We smirked at each other and I quietly pushed the bolt on the door locked.

Jake took his shirt back off me and threw it on the floor.

He leaned in close to my ear.

"I am not actually a virgin, don't worry. I just don't kiss and tell."

"Good, then kiss me." I answered.

His kiss was nice, friendly, not overwhelming.

We lay on my bed and our hands started exploring each others bodies.

"Do you do this a lot?" he asked.

"Well, if we do this, you will be my Number 3. So, no, not a lot."

"Oh we will be doing this. And you will be my Number 3 as well, so it must be a lucky number."

"Tell me about Numbers 1 and 2." I asked.

"Number 1 was my girlfriend for all of High School and we broke up when I went to college. I met Number 2 there at college the first day and we were together the 2 years my course lasted. Then I went home and became a born again virgin and just dated girls from our 'tribe' for want of a better word."

"No one special there?"

"Naw, still searching. You?"

"My number 1 was my ex fiancé Riley who neglected to tell me he had a second fiancée in the wings until she was 6 months pregnant. My number 2 was...special."

"How special? "

"He loved me, I spurned him, he left me, I lost him and wish I could turn back time special."

"Sorry. If you don't want to.."

"I do, I want to. It's not like I will ever see him again. I can't just live on memories of him, Jake. I need to feel a real man again."

"If you are sure."

"I am. Do you have a condom? Because my friend Rose threw me a going away party and everyone gave me condoms so I have about 50."

"That should last us tonight then." he quipped.

Meaningless sex. Sex just for fun. Jake was...enthusiastic and energetic and he managed to give me as good a time as he had himself.

I had no regrets next morning.

I woke up and he was still wrapped around me, us both naked, so I slipped out of his arms and went down to the shared bathroom. It was empty so I got under the shower and washed away the remnants of last nights many activities.

The shower door slid open and Jake somehow managed to fit in beside me and he took my shampoo and washed my hair for me.

He kissed my neck and massaged my boobs, and asked what I planned to do today.

Maybe stay in the shower with him all day? Was that an option?

We made breakfast and chatted for a while. His friends came back and I got to meet the boys behind the voices.

"Jake, you got lost last night? Couldn't find our room?" asked the cheeky one, Embry.

"I think maybe this girl here had to show him the way." added Quil.

"Hi, guys, I am Bella, nice to meet you."

"Nice to put a face to the moans." said Embry, making me blush all shades of red.

"So, are we staying..." queried Quil to Jake.

"I am, you two can do what you want. I can catch you up at some point down the track before you leave Italy." said Jake.

"Cool, fine. I want to move on today. You stay with Miss Beautiful here and ring us when you want to meet up."

"Is that okay, Bella?" Jake asked me quietly.

"Sure, I would love to travel a bit with you. You can stay in my room the rest of this week."

What the heck, I had a double bed and he already knew every inch of it. Why not?

The boys ate then packed their car and left.

Jake and I wandered down to the bottom of the property and swam naked in the creek there.

It was cool and refreshing in the relentless heat, and just plain fun.

I liked Jake. It would never turn into anything more, but we were good for each other. For now.

He lay down on one of the towels he had grabbed and pulled me down beside him.

We kissed for a while and then had outdoor sex.

No condom but I wasn't worried. His sexual history sounded pretty safe and he would know by now if he had any 'problems'.

My new attitude of living before I die made me somewhat reckless.

Life would play out however it was meant to.

We have no control, no real say in what happens.

"I was tested after my last relationship." he assured me.

He lay there, tracing my scar than was still red and a little jagged.

"Bella, is this a c section scar?"

"Yeah. My Number 2 and I had a child together, briefly."

"Did it die?"

"Yeah, she was born too early. She only lived 17 minutes."

I just felt like telling him. I had never told a stranger.

"I am so sorry."

He pulled me close in a hug, his massive arms deceptively gentle.

He rubbed his hands up and down my back.

I didn't cry, I was happy to remember her, like I could ever forget her.

"What was she like?" he asked.

"Small, perfect, beautiful, loved."

"I wish I could have seen her."

"I have photos in my bag. I will show you."

"Thanks. What's her name?"

"Angel Faith."

"That's beautiful. Was she as beautiful as you?"

"Way more so. She would have grown up to be a stunner."

"Like you, then."

I smiled. His words were sweet and if he didn't mean them, so what?

We swam again then went inside and made more food and I showed him the small laminated photos that lived in my wallet.

One was her face, up close, taken off the video while she lay against Edward's shoulder.

The next was me, asleep, with her being held against my cheek.

The third was Edward, talking to her. You couldn't actually see her, she was hidden in her pink blanket, but he was smiling gently at her and I loved that photo so much.

"Mr Special?" asked Jake.

"Yep, that's my Mr Special."

"Can I ask, why aren't you with him?"

"Because he doesn't want me. He left. Once the funeral was over, he was gone. I have never seen him again."

"God, Bella, I am so sorry. Why did he go?"

Oh no, not that question.

How do I answer?

Because I treated him so badly he had to escape from me?

That was the truth.

"He just couldn't handle things." I said instead. It sounded kind of reasonable.

I handed the last photo to him. Edward was kneeling beside my bed as I lay unconcious still, holding Angel beside my cheek. All 3 of our faces were clear and easy to see. His eyes were haunted, full of sorrow, looking at me. Her eyes were open, the only one that showed her exquisite emerald eyes. Mine were shut. Lucky me. I was still oblivious to the pain that was to come.

"You look like a proper family." said Jake.

In that one moment, we were. He was so right.

Jake and I traveled together for the next eight months and we were good together. Eventually our money ran out and we had to work picking fruit and sleeping rough sometimes but it was an adventure and I had re entered life.

We got a job in a small cafe but only clearing tables seeing neither of us spoke enough Italian to take down orders.

I grabbed a newspaper a customer left behind, and I was idly reading the few bits of Italian I had picked up when I noticed the date.

God no.

I had to go home.

Now.

"Jake, I owe you so much, probably my life but I have to go back. Today if possible. I have to book a seat."

"Bells, what's the hurry? We were going to go further North next week, what's changed your mind?"

"The date."

"Why is the date important?"

"I have to be home for the anniversary, Jake. I have to be with her."

"I can come with you."

"No, sweetheart, I think this is the end of the road for us."

I kissed him and ripped off my apron and grabbed my bag.

I got a seat in economy so it would be a rough ride home but I had to go. I had six hours so I washed all my now somewhat raggedy clothes and bought myself a new dress to travel in.

I was broke as, but it didn't matter any more.

I could ring Phil and he would collect me from the airport.

I would miss Jake but even after all our time together, we were still nothing more.

I took a holiday from real life and now the holiday was over.

I had to go back and face my demons.

Jake reacted much worse than I expected but he must have known how I felt. I had never said the L word to him, because it would have been a lie.

He said it to me but I always laughed it off or changed the subject. I am allergic to men professing love to me.

I don't trust the word.

Riley loved me.

Edward used to love me.

If Jake loved me, it was his problem, not mine. I never promised him anything apart from the fact it would end some day and I would leave.

He knew that.

I kissed his tears away and ran for the plane.

Jake had given in and agreed to stay on for a while longer.

I had no plans to see him again.

Phil and Renee were waiting, hand in hand when I got off the plane and my mom ran to me and grabbed me in her arms.

"Bella, you look so beautiful. And so tanned! Who would have known you could tan. I am so happy you are home."

"Thanks mom. You know the date?"

"I know, sweetheart. Tomorrow is the 17th."

The 17th of September. The one year anniversary of a small girl who had 17 minutes of life.

I was excited to be back, the place hadn't changed. It was weird that I expected it would have.

I went to the little cemetery that night, just to visit her gravestone. Tell her I was back.

Tomorrow would be hard but I felt my heart long to see Edward again and this was the one day he might not be able to resist visiting.

Renee had told me regularly that he had never called, never visited.

If he had, I would have come back at once.

I was up early, ate a quick breakfast and drove Renee's car to the cemetery again.

I walked back to the headstone. It was quite old fashioned, people these days usually just had a plaque but I guess Edward decided she deserved more.

The headstone was an angel, larger than she had been in life.

Her name, date of both birth and death and the words off the coffin were engraved below the angel.

I placed my bunch of wildflowers on the grave and sat down to wait.

Renee and Phil came around lunchtime, with food and coffee and I sat and ate and drank beside my daughter's resting place. They left after placing a bunch of pale pink rosebuds on the grave.

I still waited. In the afternoon, Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett turned up. I rushed into their arms and we all kissed and hugged and talked over each other.

They didn't know I was back but they had come anyway.

I pulled Alice aside while Rose and the men were rearranging the many flowers.

"How is he, Alice?"

"God knows. He doesn't let us visit him any more."

"What? I thought, at least he had his friends."

"He allowed us in for the first few months then he just stopped answering the security gate. You can't get in without the code."

"Where does he live?"

"Bella, I swore to him I would never tell anyone."

"Am I just anyone?"

"I know you aren't but I can't betray his trust. I am sorry."

"Give me a clue. Does he live with anyone else?"

"No, definitely not. His dog. And only that because I turned up one day and thrust the puppy at him and turned and left. I had a bag of necessities left at the gate and he was stuck with her. He yelled as I ran, that I would be taking her back the next time I visited but he kept her. Then he stopped letting me in a few months later."

"Is he near his parents?"

"Quite close."

"Is he in a new house?"

"Yes, to you. It didn't exist until after you were gone overseas."

"Did he ever look for me?"

"I don't know. Honestly."

They left soon after and I promised to stay in touch from now on. I was so glad they had come.

I sat and waited some more. It was getting cold and nearing twilight when I gave up. I was about to stand when I heard footsteps. I edged behind the large monument next to Angel's and watched.

Edward walked to the grave and knelt down. He touched the inscription, tracing each letter with his finger. He looked at the flowers and read the cards.

When he came to my flowers, he picked them up and smelt them. Then he placed his own identical bunch next to mine, moving the others to the side so ours were in the center.

He started to whisper quietly and I felt like an intruder so I stood up. He was startled and he looked at me like he had seen a ghost.

"Bella."

"Edward."

We stood, facing each other.

Neither moved or spoke for the longest time.

I just decided, what was the worst thing he could do? He had already tossed me aside, hidden away from me.

I stepped closer and opened my arms.

He looked at them, then at my eyes, then at them, like he didn't understand what I wanted.

I walked closer and pulled him into my embrace.

He slowly closed his arms around me. He lowered his face so he was immersed in my hair.

We stood there for a long time.

"Do you want to talk?" I asked him, quietly.

"Sure, why not?" he answered, resignedly.

We sat side by side on the path and looked at each other.

"How are you, Edward?"

"Dead. Dying. Okay I guess."

"Dying?" I gasped in a breath.

"Like everyone else that lives is also dying." he explained.

"Oh."

"Where do you live now?" I asked him.

"In my happy place." he snorted as if there could never be a happy place for him.

I reached out a hand and stroked his face. He looked so tired and sad.

He grasped my hand and held it against his lips.

Not kissing, just resting it against his mouth.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"What for?"

"Not being here for you."

He looked at me and frowned.

"Where have you been?"

"Away. Africa, India, Spain. Then Italy, I stayed there for the longest. Nine months."

"Oh." He raised his eye brows, he hadn't had any idea I was away.

"I was away, too."

"Where did you go?"

"Hell, I think."

I gazed into his eyes.

I believed him.

Suddenly he stood up and strode away, without a word or a backward glance.

"Goodbye" I whispered to the air where he had been.


	13. Chapter 13

**This chapter is for katelyndc because she reviewed the last chapter just as I finished writing this one. Thanks everyone who reads and especially those who review.**

The Mistake

Chapter 12

Faith and Hope.

EDWARD'S POV

I have trouble coping with everything now but my plan to sit at Angel's grave all night was disrupted by Bella or the ghost of Bella, I don't know which.

I was sure she was about to disappear in a puff of smoke so I left before she could.

Once I got back to the motel, I sat and tried to work out if she had been there or had my mind made her up?

Why would I invent a Bella who went to Italy?

I would have preferred a Bella who stayed here and sat by Angel's grave and waited for me and made me whole again.

So many flowers.

Flowers from people who had wanted to know her and love her.

I was the only one who had known her.

That made me special, and made me sadder.

Bella should have been the one to have that.

I couldn't do anything to give it to her, it was me or no-one and Angel had needed me.

She was the only person in the world who ever needed me.

I decided Bella had been real, mainly because her skin was the wrong color. She had always been so pale and now she was tanned. So it must have been her. She must be alive.

I walked back to the cemetery to spend the night beside Angel.

Bella was still there, curled in a ball on the ground, asleep.

I sat beside her and talked to Angel, making sure she knew Bella was there, too.

After a while, I felt tired and lay down beside Bella.

She didn't move so I spooned around her back and pulled her against me, and held her tight.

She snuggled into me, still asleep.

I kissed the top of her head. I remembered her scent, she smelt just the same except, something different. Some thing was wrong.

I lay there wondering what it was.

She smelt vaguely like someone else as well.

How could you smell like two people?

Esme smells like herself and like Carlisle.

Alice smells of herself and Jasper.

Rose smells of herself and Emmett.

So, Bella belonged to someone.

I wondered who, and why he wasn't here for her.

He can't be much of a husband.

My hands started playing with a long strand of her hair, twirling it around my finger. Soft.

She had been mine and now she was someone else's.

She was still mine in my head. He couldn't take that away from me.

I stood up and scooped her into my arms and she just murmured and cuddled into my chest. I walked her back to my motel room and put her in my bed.

Then I sat beside the bed and just looked at her.

She was the same. Different. Still tiny. Still beautiful. Not mine.

Was she ever really mine?

I think so. We had some days and some nights together.

They were mine.

I wanted to keep her.

If only my house was here, I would just take her home and lock her in.

She would have to be mine then.

That's how I made the dog stay with me, I locked her in and stopped Alice coming to visit because the dog might have wanted to leave with Alice.

I decided I should do it. Take her back with me.

I walked out and opened the car door and carried my sleeping Bella to the front passenger seat and lay it down after I strapped her in. I tucked a blanket around her. The motel would charge it to my credit card when they discovered it missing.

I went to the front desk and handed the room key in and drove home. It took most of the night but she was tucked up in my bed before dawn.

I cooked breakfast then sat beside the bed and watched her sleep.

Her eyelids fluttered and she looked at me, and smiled.

"Edward. Am I dreaming?"

"No, you are here with me, in my house. I brought you home."

She sat up suddenly, looking around. Was she scared?

It is only me.

"Where is this? Phoenix?"

"No, Bella, this is my home. In my meadow."

How could she not know this?

She jumped out of bed, wary, and looked out the windows that surrounded the room.

Her lips curled back in a small smile as she saw the waterfall and the rock pool.

She remembered.

"You drove us here last night?"

"I found you at the graveside. I took you back to the motel room but I didn't like it there so I brought you home."

"I must have been so jet lagged. I haven't slept like that in ages."

"Breakfast is ready. Come downstairs and eat."

She looked at the room and saw the shower and walked towards it.

"Can I have a shower first? Do you have any clothes I can wear?"

I walked to my tallboy and opened Bella's drawer. All her things I had kept were here. When I packed up the things she had bought for the baby, I had packed some of her clothes, so I could keep them.

"These are mine. They haven't been washed?"

"No, they smell like you. Like you used to smell. Before."

"Before?"

"Before someone else owned you."

"Nobody owns me, Edward."

"You smell like someone else. Like Esme smells like Carlisle."

She blushed and held out her hand, and took mine.

"I don't belong to anybody. I just lent myself to someone for a while. He is gone now."

I held her hand.

"Good. I want you to belong to me."

She smiled and walked back to the shower and started taking her clothes off. They were dusty and marked from the ground she had slept on last night before I brought her home.

She turned the water on and stood under it. I watched her slowly soaping herself.

I saw the scar.

I had to touch it.

I walked to the shower and threw my clothes off and got in behind her and traced the scar with my finger.

"She is always with me, wherever I go. That's my reminder." she said.

I held my wrist up and showed her my scar.

It was a tattoo across the inside of my left wrist.

_Angel Faith_

_17 minutes of Heaven_

She traced the words and bent her head to my wrist and kissed the tattoo. I kissed her neck, and she threw her head back, making more room for me.

I touched her wet breasts gently and moved my hands up and down her body.

She still felt the same.

My body was responding to her in a way that had lain dormant all this time.

I touched her folds and parted them, finding her bunch of nerves that made her move against my hand.

She moaned and writhed against me, pushing back against my stomach so I pushed myself inside her and kept circling her clit with my fingers.

She moved against me, forcing me in deeper.

We rocked back and forth and then I felt her tighten and come around me.

I smiled.

Maybe the first time I smiled in a year.

It felt good. Foreign, strange but good.

I came inside her and then held her tightly so she couldn't escape. She didn't try to.

I felt myself leave her body, and I knew I would be back inside her again.

She turned and faced me and put her arms around my neck.

"I love you, Edward." she said softly, and kissed me.

I stood there.

She loved me?

I knew I loved her, but I didn't know she loved me.

"I love you, Bella." I said, a smile splitting my face.

"I love you and you love me?"

"If there is one truth that I know from this last year, it is that I love you. Dearly and completely."

she said.

Colors came back into my life.

Everything had been cold and gray, black and sad.

Now the flowers on the trees were purple and pink and white and orange. The wildflowers outside on the ground were pinks and blues and yellows.

It shocked me and I realized how far I had been gone.

I turned the water off and wrapped her in a towel and we lay in my bed together.

I kissed her over and over, and gazed in her eyes. They were full of love and hope and fire.

I had needed to see those things from her and now I could.

We talked and she told me about her travels and her friend, Jacob, whom I felt oddly grateful towards.

I didn't hate that he borrowed her, because he borrowed her broken and sad and he gave her back alive and happy.

He fixed her and now she was fixing me.

She agreed to stay here and live with me and I told her the one thing she didn't know.

"I had the reversal done. We can have another baby when you want to, Bella."

Bella smiled and kissed me deeply. She was happy.

I never knew what made me have the operation, I just asked Carlisle about it and he arranged everything. It had been months ago and when the tests came back saying it had worked, I had pushed it back inside my mind again.

I think I did it for Bella.

Or maybe Angel.

She needed a sister here on earth with us.

Or did I do it for me? Because it was hope.

Hope that the future was possible, that one day I would hold a baby in my arms again and she would live this time. She would have more than seventeen minutes.

Maybe it is a train station in the sky. Maybe Angel is waiting to come back to us in a new body.


	14. Chapter 14

**I don't own Twilight.**

The Mistake.

Chapter 14

EDWARD'S POV

I am sitting at my piano looking out the window, watching Bella as she walks through the wild flowers, stopping to pick one now and then. She is smiling and turning her face up towards the sun, a rare treat.

She looks beautiful, her long white dress falls loosely around her body and her skin and hair and eyes sparkle. She is in the early stages of labor.

I had imagined we would both be scared and paranoid and worry ourselves sick when she got pregnant again but I think life has shown us, whatever will be, will be.

If this new baby is meant to be, meant to live here with us, she will.

We are just enjoying her while she grows inside my Bella. I spoon her every night and keep my hands on her belly so I can feel the baby kick.

She is a happy baby so I think she will stay.

Bella thinks so ,too. She has everything ready, the crib is in our bedroom, all made up and ready, the cradle beside the bed. On my side, because I will be the one who lifts the baby out in the night and hands her to Bella.

Bella is going to nurse for as long as the baby wants. She is very in tune with her body and she eats whatever the baby demands.

I know it is a medical fact that pregnant women crave the vitamins they need, so when Bella eats 3 oranges or craves bread, I know its just Nature's way of giving her the heads up to increase that food.

Her insistence that the baby needs chocolate is not a medical fact, no matter what Bella says.

She needs a treat, the injections Carlisle gives her are painful and tricky to get exactly right. They have to thin her blood so she doesn't get blood clots but not thin it too much so she gets sick herself.

Her reward is always a chocolate. She is like a child, wanting her treat for behaving and allowing Carlisle to torture her this way.

I do not leave her, ever. She needs to be watched carefully but as I said, we are sensible but not paranoid. Not every cramp is a labor pain, not every twitch is the onset of a fit.

She is relaxed and accepting and happy again.

God knows I am happy. I truly never expected to ever be happy again and now I have my Bella, all I can do is smile. My composing has changed so much, the sad, difficult tunes I used to write just don't come to me now. I can only write about happiness and hope and laughter.

Bella makes me laugh every day.

My house is full of friends and noise again. Alice is always here, Rose comes over and bosses us around and orders that we don't turn middle aged just because we are about to be parents again.

She and Emmett are trying for a baby so I know she is just expressing her own fears, that she will become middle aged when her own child arrives.

Jacob Black visits and I can see in his eyes that he loves Bella too, but its okay because she chose me.

They talk openly about their time together in Italy and you can see the two different perspectives. To Bella, it was an escape and a time of healing, that she had to go through, and she was glad when it was over.

To him, it was the best days of his life.

I feel sorry for Jacob because I lost her too and I remember how very bad that was. Getting her back was being allowed back into life.

Like you are struggling across a wind swept plain in three feet of snow, blinded and frozen, lost, without hope, and a door opens and pulls you inside to a warm fire and a hot drink and a pair of loving arms and you know you are saved.

He will never get to feel that, not from Bella anyway, but I hope there is someone else out there ready to pull him through her door.

The dog loves Bella, of course. How could anyone not love her? She sits as close to her as she can cram herself and puts her paw on Bella's knee and looks into her eyes, telling her secrets from before.

I don't like telling Bella how it was for me, that year. It was so bleak, and painful and hopeless that I surprised myself that I didn't just jump off a cliff and get it over with.

That never occurred to me, because I felt Bella was still in this world and I wouldn't want to be where she wasn't. We had to at least be existing on the same planet. I thought that was as good as it would get for a while there but it must have been enough because I stayed.

"Edward!".

Bella's excited scream pulls me back to the present.

I race to the open window. She is standing with her legs wide apart, a look of joy and fear and anticipation on her face.

"My water just broke. All over my new dress."

I run downstairs and outside and scoop her up in my arms and carry her to our bed.

It is all ready. I ring my father and he promises he and the others in the team will be right over, so I open the security gate with the remote control, and go back to Bella. She has stripped her dress off in disgust and is walking back and forth in a bright red bra only.

We have to be able to see her skin and make sure no sudden bruises appear.

She is having the baby here at home only because Carlisle has approved of it. The fear of anyone having to make a decision is more than she can bear so we are having a natural delivery and just praying all will go well.

Carlisle has stacked a heap of equipment here, hidden in an upstairs bedroom. Bella has ordered he can only interfere if the outlook is good for both her and the baby.

It anything goes wrong, she would rather just go and take the baby with her. I know if that happens, I will follow them, so I have agreed. Its what we both want.

I feel optimistic and I time the contractions and strip the bed back to just the plastic sheet and the one cotton sheet on top.

Towels and baby blankets are stacked ready for use.

Carlisle strides up the stairs and asks Bella if he may check her progress so she lays on the bed and grips my hand.

"You are almost fully dilated, well done."

Bella wants to walk some more so I put my arm around her waist. We ignore the hustle and bustle as the midwife and nurse set up a drip and line up the maybe necessary equipment.

Bella starts to shake and asks me to help her into the shower so I turn the water on and she moans as the hot water eases the cramps in her back and belly. It seems to be helping her so I just hum to her and rub her lower back as she contorts her body into a better position to relieve the pain. She is so brave, my Bella.

I kiss her face and she kisses me back, breaking off to curse as a harder contraction hits.

I laugh quietly. Its the first time she has ever sworn into my mouth.

I half walk, half carry her to the bed as the top of the baby's head is making its presence known. Bella straddles my bent legs as I kneel open legged on the bed and hold her back against my chest. The baby descends into the space between both our legs so its is as if we are both giving birth.

A cry, loud and angry, fills the air and we all cheer and start celebrating.

Carlisle lifts the baby and I lay Bella back against the pillows and take our new daughter from him, still attached to Bella by her cord.

She is beautiful. Perfect, beautiful, alive.

The midwife rubs her body with a warm towel and she turns from angry purple, to pale white to ruddy pink.

"I give her a 10" says Carlisle, confirming she is perfect.

He hands me the scissors and takes the baby closer to Bella so I cut the cord he has clamped and our daughter becomes a separate human being. She sounds a little angry about that, but who wouldn't be angry, being parted from Bella?

I sit beside them both as Carlisle returns to delivering the placenta, but Bella barely notices, she has only eyes for the baby and me.

We hold her together and smile at each other.

This is the way it is meant to be.

The baby has a fuzz of coppery brown hair and pale skin and my long fingers. Bella's lips and heart shaped face. Her eyes open and Bella's brown eyes gaze into mine.

I smile, glad she is different to Faith. She is her own person. Green eyes would have made us wonder.

"Hope" we say in unison. There was never any doubt what we would name her.

Her name symbolizes our new life together.

After the cleaning up and showering and dressing, I get to bathe my daughter and this time, my daughter is moving and watching me and jerking her out of control newborn limbs and the tears on my cheeks are those of happiness.

So different.

A nurse has videoed the whole thing and this video will be watched over and over for a different reason. We will be able to look back and see how much Hope has grown and changed over time. It won't be that short piece of time we needed to cling to as all we had with our Angel Faith..

I look at the clock.

Eighteen minutes.

I laugh as I notice Bella looking as well. We just needed to know we could have a baby and give her more than seventeen minutes.

Hope nuzzles into Bella's breast and attached herself onto a nipple. We watch in awe. Its our first experience of the beginning of a new life that plans to stay with us.

Her brown eyes are narrowed in concentration as she kneads her fists into the breast, searching for comfort and nourishment.

Carlisle injects Bella with a drug to stop the thinning effect so she doesn't bleed out and checks her every few minutes.

All is well. Everything is perfect.

Carlisle and Esme sleep in a guestroom over night, my father checks Bella every hour.

The next day the visitors start.

Alice and Rose arrive soon after breakfast and sit in awe of Bella and baby Hope.

Rose cries and confesses, she is about 7 weeks pregnant but didn't want to tell us until after Hope was born.

"Beat ya." says Alice."Four months gone."

We are happy for them and for us. Hope will have friends to grow up with.

We may never chance another pregnancy, it may be too risky so we take comfort that our child won't grow up alone.

Esme is bursting with joy. She can't bear to stay away from the baby and she is so excited to have a granddaughter she can watch grow and spend time with.

She congratulates the girls and is already looking forward to their babies.

Life is full of promise and love and we can finally move on. Move on with Hope.

The End

**Thanks to everyone who stayed the whole way and those who came back to see the 'nice' version of that ratty tale I wrote first. Please check my other stories, I have so many ideas for new tales of Edward and Bella. Be warned, I can't yet write lemons for any other couples, if either Ed or Bell have sex with someone else, its gonna be fade to black! Cheers, Lynzi**


End file.
